Fifty-three year old divorcee Chester Templeton has made up his mind. “I’m definitely going with the sports car. I’ve heard nothing but horror stories about weaves. It’s painful and takes forever. Sort of like my divorce. Buying the car will take no time and will only hurt my wallet.” Templeton, whose divorce became final on Thursday the 18th, has been agonizing over the decision for months and only decided to make the announcement after seeing what he calls “the light at the end of the tunnel”.
Mr. Templeton credits his lawyer, David E. Charmin, for making it possible, by keeping his wife, who he calls “the frigid, manipulative, man-hating succubus”, from getting her hands, which he calls “her icy harpy claws of death” on a good portion of his assets. “Dave was worth every penny. I usually can’t stand lawyers, but I’ve already recommended Dave to many of my friends,” gushes Templeton. “I’m finally free.”
Templeton says he isn’t sure about which sports car he will be buying, but money is no object. “I can afford pretty much anything. I’m leaning toward the BMW Z3 because it was rated “Best Chick Magnet” on the website, www.MiddleAgedMan.com. I know that having hair virtually guarantees you’re going to score when you’re out at a club, but I think the car is the way to go. I have a very low threshhold for pain too, and the words graft and plugs and harvesting and staples scare me.”
Mr. Templeton is also leaning toward an earring to celebrate his newfound freedom. He is looking forward to getting on with his life and repairing his relationships with his children. “I just hope that spending their childhood in the equivalent of a Russian gulag, ruled by a torturing, dehumanizing sadist won’t affect their own relationships or their mental health. Twenty years ago, if you’d asked me what I wanted out of life, it would be this, freedom and a sports car. And hair, but two out of three ain’t bad.”
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