Fashionably Late Couple Stoned To Death At Party

In what has been described as the most brutal slaying in the Bi-County area ever, Mill Road residents David and Fiona Carson were stoned to death at a house party Friday evening. The hosts of the party, Jerry and Corinne Dalrymple, have been charged with murder and the police are certain that more arrests will be forthcoming

The official police report states that the Carsons, well known for making a grand appearance, pulled into the driveway at 9:28PM for a party that began at 8:30PM. Upon entering the foyer of the Dalrymple home, they were met by Mrs. Dalrymple, who took their coats. They were then led into the main living area where they were immediately pelted with fist-sized stones and bludgeoned with larger rocks wielded by some of the larger men. The authorities were alerted when one of the guests, a member of the medical profession, confirmed that they were finally dead and called the police.

A guest at the party confirmed this version of the story and added, "We were all so tired of Dave and Fiona. Every party it's the same thing. They show up an hour late, like they just flew in from Paris. They have nothing for the hosts and they stand at the door with their arms around each other's waists, waiting for everyone to stop their conversations and say hi. Then they point and wave to people that aren't there and head for the bar. She's always wearing giant diamond earrings or a new tennis bracelet and he's got to make the same joke about running over the family pet with his Beamer. Honestly, wouldn't you want to hit them with a big rock?"

Police expect to arrest up to 30 people and charge them with various degrees of murder and other charges ranging from illegal burial (under a pile of rocks in the living room) to malicious damage to property over $5000 (the BMW, which was also stoned.)