Lesbians and Hetero Males Sign Treaty

At a formal press conference held in Northampton, Massachusetts at the conclusion of a week long summit of the group AMWATF, leaders for the lesbian and heterosexual male populations announced that they had reached terms for a formal alliance between their two groups should a Battle of the Sexes actually take place. The pact would call for equal share and control of the combined forces and assets of the estimated 54% of the country’s general population. The Alliance of Men and Women Attracted To Females claims to have over two million dues-paying members. Literature published by the group claims that they “speak for women lovers everywhere”.

Speaking for the heteros, National Organization for Men president, Larry McSwain, announced, “We felt that, should war break out, we’d like to have our Lesbian sisters at our backs when the bullets started flying.” Echoing his sentiments, Phyllis Drummond of the National Alliance of Lesbians That Like To Carry Weapons added, “It’s clear that if we hitch our wagon to those weak little man-lovers, we’re going to get the short end of the stick. We have to look out for ourselves.”

Their presentation included plans for a panel of experts to study the weaknesses of the enemy and devise a plan to quickly overcome the defenses of the women and homosexual men without unnecessary bloodshed. Trying to maintain a politically correct and non-confrontational tone, McSwain admitted, “We’ve determined that most gals and alternative lifestyle fellas don’t have advanced knowledge of modern warfare logistics and tactics. It would be a short battle.” Ms. Drummond agreed with McSwain. “Most of the non-lesbians that I know tend to be a little on the feminine side when it comes to combat. Not to mention the gay guys. That’s why we signed this agreement.” “We acknowledge that there are some kinks to be worked out, but we think we’ve hammered out the big issues and now it’s up to our strategists to flesh out the details”, said McSwain.

The press conference was interrupted briefly by what appeared to be a trans-gender individual protesting loudly, “What about us!? We can help!”. He/she was ushered out before the situation turned ugly.

The AMWATF Summit Conference was attended by some of the top minds that were not busy in other more important and productive endeavors in the heterosexual male and lesbian communities. Leaders of splinter groups under the AMWATF umbrella were in attendance at the press conference and also endorsed the plans. Spokespeople for Guys Who Go For Girls, Chicks Digging Chicks, The Man’s Man Caucus, Lesbians On Parade, Hooters Corporation, the Association of Black, White and Latino GFs, as well as many others, applauded the efforts of the co-chairpeople McSwain and Drummond. Tiny Flannell, of Formerly Married Women Turned Off By the Disgusting Habits of Their Ex-Husbands, said “Normally, I can’t stand to be in the same room with men, but that McSwain’s a real charmer. I couldn’t be happier with the alliance.”

Reaction from heterosexual women and homosexual men on the street was swift and universally negative. “I wasn’t aware that battle was imminent. My husband is completely cowed and spineless”, said housewife, Minnie Tappert. Todd Really, a dancer in the traveling homosexual burlesque troupe “The Girly-Burly Show”, was dumbfounded. “I’m dumbfounded”, said Really. Many women expressed disappointment at being betrayed by their lesbian sisters. Financial Consultant (and non-lesbian) Sharon Tennenbaum complained, “What’s scares me the most is they couldn’t come to us and talk about it first. They just had to run into the arms of the first man that promised to make them feel good. I’m not worried about this actually coming to war. If the hetero men every finish any project they start, it will be a miracle.”

Sociologists theorize that the so-called Battle of the Sexes has been going on for centuries. Dr. Sharon Engle of the University of Craven offered her insight. “The origins of the conflict go back to early man and woman. The traditional gender roles imposed by man using his greater strength and capacity for cruelty have been inured into the collective sub-conscious over the centuries. From time to time throughout history, repressed anger bubbles up and brings us to a crisis situation such as we are experiencing right now.”

One of her colleagues says history hangs in the balance. Dr. Jim, controversial host of the popular radio talk show “Man, Oh Man” , rants, “If I could get my hands on the guy who came up with that monogamy scam way back when, I’d break his bony neck. That’s the reason for all of this.” His face turning red and holding his index finger and thumb approximately one inch apart, Dr. Jim continued, “They’re this close! I swear! They’re this close! God bless the lesbians. Hey, I’m kinda worried about us going to war together though. What if our boys get distracted in the heat of battle, hoping that two of the lesbians might suddenly start making out?”