Pope Drops Two Commandments

In a landmark religious decision, the Vatican announced that "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods" and "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" will be dropped bringing the number of commandments down to eight. "The pope had had enough. He told me he was sick of people coveting left and right and thumbing their noses at our Lord's laws," said papal spokesmonsignor Francis Fitzhume. "His actual words were, 'Jeez, can't these people keep their hands off each other? For chrissakes!'" Monsignor Fitzhume noted that the Pope had just finished watching an episode of Cheaters on the WB.

Vatican-watchers were only mildly surprised by the edict. Vittorio Delagiorgio, a professional photographer and noted Vatican expert, noted, "It was only a matter of time. I mean, my next-door neighbor has the only DVD player in my building. Everyone has been dying to see the deleted scenes that were cut from Battlefield Earth, but we had to wait until Gianni was back from his vacation to watch it. How can we not covet? You tell me."

Others felt a sense of relief in that they no longer would have to spend an eternity in Hell for fantasizing about their neighbor's wife as she hung the wet laundry on the clothesline. One coveter, who asked not to be named, had this to say. "I can't help myself. God could see that. Finally, the Pope has seen it too." Some reacted to the announcement angrily, "Why stop at coveting? Next thing you know adultery will be allowed too. This is a big mistake," said Giuseppe DePietro, a reformed coveter. "Heaven knows I coveted a lot when I was a kid. We all did. But that doesn't make it right, just because everybody's doing it."

Women's rights groups picketed the St. Peter's in protest. "This is just another example of men looking out for men. Why should men be able to get away without a care in the world for coveting goods and wives? Everyone knows that those two commandments were implicitly directed at men since women never covet," said Gabriella Rossini, noted feminist and author.

Papal authorities dismissed those charges by saying, "Yeah, sure. As if. Didn't she ever see My Best Friend's Wedding?"