Songwriting 101

In the U.S., there are 400 (made-up statistic) songs written every minute. Yet, unless you are Janet Jackson, you can’t make millions of dollars with your crappy contrived lyrics. There’s no doubt that there are some good song lyrics out there that will never make it to a karaoke machine, but the facts are that a hit song doesn’t need good lyrics. The lyrics don’t need to make sense to anyone. They don’t need to make sense to the songwriter.

My contention is that I can take any song that’s ever been written and tweak a little here and there and make it better. I’d be happy to take your lyrics and smooth out the rough edges. Send your worthless poetry to me and I’ll make you a star.

Here’s an example. I picked a short song because I don’t like giving things away for free. This, believe it or not, was a big hit for a “rock” band from the 70’s known as Chicago (originally Chicago Transit Authority). It’s called, and I shudder when I type this, Color My World. It has a flute solo, for Christ’s sake. Still, many are the young men that cursed James Pankow for only writing one verse. Slow dancing to Color My World guaranteed 3 minutes of “action”. Imagine what dragging six more lines out for 3 more minutes would have meant. Here goes.

Chicago’s version:

As time goes on, I realize
Just what you mean to me.
And now, now that you're near,
Promise your love that I've waited to share
And dreams of our moments together.
Color my world with hopes of loving you

My version has the much-needed second verse:

As time goes by, I realize
Just what you mean to me.
And now, now that you’re near,
Promises of love that we’re meant to share
And recalling our moments together
Color my world with the joy of loving you

Flute solo

As time goes by, I realize
Just what you did to me
And now, now that you’re gone,
You shared your love with every one of my friends
And recalling our moments together
Color my world, you cheating whore

So, send me your unrequited love songs, your “How could you do this to me?” songs, your anthems for your generation songs. I’ll add the perfect touches. Just give me a credit on the lyrics and I’ll take half the royalties.

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, It's Not Your Fault

I had the wierdest near-death experience last night. I was autoerotically asphyxiating myself while watching Girls Next Door and I must have been doing it wrong because I immediately got the hiccups. I was at a loss because holding your breath is supposed to get rid of them. I decided to tighten the choker another notch and the next thing I know I'm seeing my life pass before my nose. I caught whiffs of memories from my childhood; the smell of Topps Baseball Card's powdery "bubble gum", the malodor of my oldest brother Andy's feet when he played the "Smell My Feet" game, the musty stench of our cellar after a knee hockey game. So many memories.

I could recall odors both enticing and offensive. Some I associated with events, such as setting my arm on fire in a bizarre cooking accident. Others I associated with people. I distinctly remembered the perfume of an older woman when I was 16 (She was 18). She kissed me on the dance floor of a party because she knew my friends were watching. She said, "Let's give them something to talk about" and she proceeded to give me the kiss of a lifetime (to that point).

There were no images associated with these memories, only the smells. They ran by in an olfactory montage that I wish I could have recorded on the Aromacorder that I've been trying to invent for the past 10 years. The science of scent is still largely thought of as quackery, but I vow to make a breakthrough before I die.

To answer your question, my wife loosened the choker around my neck a few minutes later and told me to stop playing with myself or I'd go blind. I gasped like a fat man on a treadmill and told her it would be better than being an anosmiac.