Saturday, July 23, 2011

100 Things To Know About Mark Paleologopoulos

1) I was born on December 14th, 1960
2) I was raised by wolves
3) I have an uncanny ability to find fault in others
4) I have three kids ... that I know of
5) I don't have any friends
6) I am developing a plan to take over the world and then take the next couple of weeks off to just chill
7) I have four titanium screws in my left knee that prevent me from dancing in public
8) Young girls and women are frightened by me, yet old women find me adorable
9) I have a distinctive laugh that has been described as a cross between a Gregorian chant and a bus backfiring
10) Whenever I get in a line at a busy store, you can bet the lines will be gone by the time I get to the register
11) I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me
12) I love Canadian food
13) I volunteer for a charity that provides guide humans for blind dogs
14) I once solved an Encyclopedia Brown mystery without looking in the back of book
15) I started working at MassMutual in 1982 and I left in 2011 when my job was eliminated
16) I spent one summer singing the blues in honky tonks across the South after I found my woman with another man and my dog left me
17) I believe in the existence of extraterrestorials, but not in the existence of flesh-eating zombies
18) I'm shocked that the devil hasn't come to claim Rush Limbaugh's soul by now
19) A war is being waged on my scalp. The silver army is defeating the very, very, very dark brown army using guerilla tactics and sedition
20) I'm actually 490 years old. Sean Connery taught me everything I know. I'm registered for the final battle in Trumbull, Connecticut on February 3rd. Tickets are $24 dollars in advance and $30 on the night of The Gathering. There can be only one.
21) I breed and raise shrimp as a hobby
22) I graduated in 1982 from Western New England College with a Bachelor of Science in Biology. I chose that field of study because I had no idea what I wanted to do at 18 and there was a cute girl in my freshman Biology class. I never did date that girl.
23) I've written a series of Curious George stories that I'm prevented from selling due to copyright issues
24) I'm anxiously awaiting the release of the Arrested Development movie
25) The celebrity I'm most often compared to is William Devane, not Brad Pitt as you'd probably suspect
26) My favourite color is blue
27) I prefer the British English spelling of favourite over favorite
28) I find the behavior of you lower class commoners to be jejune and contemptible
29) I sometimes dream of playing ice hockey despite never having learned to skate
30) I've never been arrested for breaking into my neighbor's house to steal his DVD of the first season of That 70's Show and accidentally knocking over and breaking his NASCAR coffee table
31) My skin is impervious to most liquids. Certain acids and Dimethyl Sulfoxide being notable exceptions
32) I read Funky Winkerbean religiously
33) Many years ago I coined the phrase, "going postal" as in, "If you don't let me have the last scallop wrapped in bacon, I'm going postal. Now give it to me, you bastard!"
34) I'm allergic to stupidity. Yes, that explains why we don't talk anymore
35) Sometimes when I sleep, I get the jimmy leg
36) I hate the whole concept of Red Sox Nation
37) I love the internet
38) I am obsessed with the idea of astral projection
39) When I was a child, I had a fever. My hands felt just like two balloons. Now I've got that feeling once again. I think I'm retaining water
40) Reality TV depresses me
41) I coach baseball and basketball and I have coached soccer but that was too goal oriented
42) I am not good at puns
43) Many things are anathema to me (e.g. religious persecution, sadism, cruelty towards children, American media practices, chili)
44) The 3 celebrities I'd most like to have dinner with are Bruce Springsteen, Barack Obama, and Jennifer Anniston
45) Jennifer Anniston doesn't return my calls
46) I'd like to become an interviewer. A sample inverview: Liv Tyler, why are you so ugly? Liv, why do you ruin every movie that you act in? Liv, isn't Freddie Mercury your real father? Liv, do you think Alicia Silverstone would sleep with me?
47) An average graduate of a 4 year college understands about 20,000 words. I don’t like to brag, but I understand 20,007.
48) If I'm sentenced to death, I want my last meal to be a filet mignon wrapped in bacon, a rack of lamb wrapped in bacon, McDonald's french fries, and bacon. I'd like an ice cold 20oz bottle of coke with my meal and a chocolate shake after. Holy crap, I'm going to die. Oh yeah, a pardon would be nice.
49) I've committed all of the seven deadly sins and a few that just make you nauseous
50) If I could go back in time to any point in my life, I'd go back to fourth grade and avoid Dave Kumiega on April 3rd.
51) I miss my best friend from high school. Why did you marry that bitch?
52) I'm really mad at those people who predicted decades ago that by the year 2000 we'd all be flying to work in personal hovercraft and no one would have to deal with the scourge of sexual dysfunction
53) I wish I was as smart as my nephew Peter
54) I drive a Hyundai Tucson now, but my next car is going to be a Dodge Stratus, if Chrysler is still in business
55) I've never been in a fistfight. The ones where I beat my brother Chris don't count because he started it and anyway he deserved it
56) When I retire I'm going to move to California and try my hand at bonsai tree care
57) One of my thighs is more sensitive than the other. I'm not going to tell you which one. You figure it out.
58) I can cook one thing at a time. Making a meal, however, turns out to be a mistimed and misshapen disaster
59) I want to have a pet, but they're all filthy, filthy animals
60) My favourite movie of all time is The Outlaw Josie Wales
61) I have four brothers and three sisters. My mom and dad are saints
62) I swear a lot
63) I will eat garlic bread until you run out or I throw up
64) I once burned my arm while playing with gasoline, matches, pressboard, and little plastic cowboys and indians; a volatile mixture
65) I have to take a shower
66) I'm back
67) Everyone that has ever heard me sing says I'm terrible, but they're all wrong
68) When I write, I use too many, commas
69) I think Seals and Crofts are the greatest recording artists of all time. When is a Seals and Crofts Rock Band edition coming out?
70) I am an avid collector. I have over 200 pairs of ballet slippers, a collection of whimsical and/or erotic pencil erasers, a pile of Chinese Restaurant menus, and a horde of imps and demons to do my bidding
71) I do crossword puzzles in pen. I don’t want to ruin my erasers
72) I've just about had it with you
73) I developed blood clots after my knee surgery eight years ago and spent a year on blood thinner.
74) I enjoy jigsaw puzzles
75) I'm still on my first marriage
76) I should be able to speak French after years of study in high school and college. Il a été trop long. Je suis hors de la practique
77) I'm only human
78) I think that Nostradamus was a fraud
79) I haven't vomited since 1971
80) I haven't been drunk since that summer in Cabo San Lucas with Sammy Hagar
81) I am afraid of bridges and meteors
82) My only publishing credits are a couple of letters to the editor of the Agawam Advertiser and a response in the Valley Advocate regarding a problem that I needed Ask Isadora's help on.
83) I enjoy Bugles, the salty snack.
84) I played the trumpet, baritone, and tuba in the school band until high school when I thought it wasn't cool.
85) I was on As Schools Match Wits as a Junior and as a Senior
86) I had a crush on Julie Ouimet from 7th grade until my senior year. I don’t think she knew I existed
87) I worked as a waiter at the then Sheraton Inn in West Springfield. I was terrible at it
88) I worked at McDonald's until I was 19. That was a blast
89) I went to a rodeo once and I actually had a good time
90) I use 14% of my brain
91) I only knew a few words in American Sign Language. I know two swears, the sign of the devil, and the sign for ok
92) I can cry on command. I just think of Radar reading the telegraph about Henry's plane crashing
93) I am a connoisseur of popcorn and clam chowder. Not together, you idiot.
94) I love to procrastinate
95) Having my job eliminated has really sharpened my napping skills
96) I'm considering a career change to Wall St executive.
97) I have healing powers that I apply through a combination of sensual massage, aromatherapy, and loud barking sounds
98) I'm lost without your love
99) I want to start a troupe of performers to play schools across the country warning children about the dangers of wearing their pants below their waists. It's going to be called "I see London. I see France. Pull up your damn pants, jackass"
100) I'm not that strong a swimmer

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