100 Things To Know About Mark Paleologopoulos

1) I was born on December 14th, 1960
2) I was raised by wolves
3) I have an uncanny ability to find fault in others
4) I have three kids ... that I know of
5) I don't have any friends
6) I am developing a plan to take over the world and then take the next couple of weeks off to just chill
7) I have four titanium screws in my left knee that prevent me from dancing in public
8) Young girls and women are frightened by me, yet old women find me adorable
9) I have a distinctive laugh that has been described as a cross between a Gregorian chant and a bus backfiring
10) Whenever I get in a line at a busy store, you can bet the lines will be gone by the time I get to the register
11) I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me
12) I love Canadian food
13) I volunteer for a charity that provides guide humans for blind dogs
14) I once solved an Encyclopedia Brown mystery without looking in the back of book
15) I started working at MassMutual in 1982 and I left in 2011 when my job was eliminated
16) I spent one summer singing the blues in honky tonks across the South after I found my woman with another man and my dog left me
17) I believe in the existence of extraterrestorials, but not in the existence of flesh-eating zombies
18) I'm shocked that the devil hasn't come to claim Rush Limbaugh's soul by now
19) A war is being waged on my scalp. The silver army is defeating the very, very, very dark brown army using guerilla tactics and sedition
20) I'm actually 490 years old. Sean Connery taught me everything I know. I'm registered for the final battle in Trumbull, Connecticut on February 3rd. Tickets are $24 dollars in advance and $30 on the night of The Gathering. There can be only one.
21) I breed and raise shrimp as a hobby
22) I graduated in 1982 from Western New England College with a Bachelor of Science in Biology. I chose that field of study because I had no idea what I wanted to do at 18 and there was a cute girl in my freshman Biology class. I never did date that girl.
23) I've written a series of Curious George stories that I'm prevented from selling due to copyright issues
24) I'm anxiously awaiting the release of the Arrested Development movie
25) The celebrity I'm most often compared to is William Devane, not Brad Pitt as you'd probably suspect
26) My favourite color is blue
27) I prefer the British English spelling of favourite over favorite
28) I find the behavior of you lower class commoners to be jejune and contemptible
29) I sometimes dream of playing ice hockey despite never having learned to skate
30) I've never been arrested for breaking into my neighbor's house to steal his DVD of the first season of That 70's Show and accidentally knocking over and breaking his NASCAR coffee table
31) My skin is impervious to most liquids. Certain acids and Dimethyl Sulfoxide being notable exceptions
32) I read Funky Winkerbean religiously
33) Many years ago I coined the phrase, "going postal" as in, "If you don't let me have the last scallop wrapped in bacon, I'm going postal. Now give it to me, you bastard!"
34) I'm allergic to stupidity. Yes, that explains why we don't talk anymore
35) Sometimes when I sleep, I get the jimmy leg
36) I hate the whole concept of Red Sox Nation
37) I love the internet
38) I am obsessed with the idea of astral projection
39) When I was a child, I had a fever. My hands felt just like two balloons. Now I've got that feeling once again. I think I'm retaining water
40) Reality TV depresses me
41) I coach baseball and basketball and I have coached soccer but that was too goal oriented
42) I am not good at puns
43) Many things are anathema to me (e.g. religious persecution, sadism, cruelty towards children, American media practices, chili)
44) The 3 celebrities I'd most like to have dinner with are Bruce Springsteen, Barack Obama, and Jennifer Anniston
45) Jennifer Anniston doesn't return my calls
46) I'd like to become an interviewer. A sample inverview: Liv Tyler, why are you so ugly? Liv, why do you ruin every movie that you act in? Liv, isn't Freddie Mercury your real father? Liv, do you think Alicia Silverstone would sleep with me?
47) An average graduate of a 4 year college understands about 20,000 words. I don’t like to brag, but I understand 20,007.
48) If I'm sentenced to death, I want my last meal to be a filet mignon wrapped in bacon, a rack of lamb wrapped in bacon, McDonald's french fries, and bacon. I'd like an ice cold 20oz bottle of coke with my meal and a chocolate shake after. Holy crap, I'm going to die. Oh yeah, a pardon would be nice.
49) I've committed all of the seven deadly sins and a few that just make you nauseous
50) If I could go back in time to any point in my life, I'd go back to fourth grade and avoid Dave Kumiega on April 3rd.
51) I miss my best friend from high school. Why did you marry that bitch?
52) I'm really mad at those people who predicted decades ago that by the year 2000 we'd all be flying to work in personal hovercraft and no one would have to deal with the scourge of sexual dysfunction
53) I wish I was as smart as my nephew Peter
54) I drive a Hyundai Tucson now, but my next car is going to be a Dodge Stratus, if Chrysler is still in business
55) I've never been in a fistfight. The ones where I beat my brother Chris don't count because he started it and anyway he deserved it
56) When I retire I'm going to move to California and try my hand at bonsai tree care
57) One of my thighs is more sensitive than the other. I'm not going to tell you which one. You figure it out.
58) I can cook one thing at a time. Making a meal, however, turns out to be a mistimed and misshapen disaster
59) I want to have a pet, but they're all filthy, filthy animals
60) My favourite movie of all time is The Outlaw Josie Wales
61) I have four brothers and three sisters. My mom and dad are saints
62) I swear a lot
63) I will eat garlic bread until you run out or I throw up
64) I once burned my arm while playing with gasoline, matches, pressboard, and little plastic cowboys and indians; a volatile mixture
65) I have to take a shower
66) I'm back
67) Everyone that has ever heard me sing says I'm terrible, but they're all wrong
68) When I write, I use too many, commas
69) I think Seals and Crofts are the greatest recording artists of all time. When is a Seals and Crofts Rock Band edition coming out?
70) I am an avid collector. I have over 200 pairs of ballet slippers, a collection of whimsical and/or erotic pencil erasers, a pile of Chinese Restaurant menus, and a horde of imps and demons to do my bidding
71) I do crossword puzzles in pen. I don’t want to ruin my erasers
72) I've just about had it with you
73) I developed blood clots after my knee surgery eight years ago and spent a year on blood thinner.
74) I enjoy jigsaw puzzles
75) I'm still on my first marriage
76) I should be able to speak French after years of study in high school and college. Il a été trop long. Je suis hors de la practique
77) I'm only human
78) I think that Nostradamus was a fraud
79) I haven't vomited since 1971
80) I haven't been drunk since that summer in Cabo San Lucas with Sammy Hagar
81) I am afraid of bridges and meteors
82) My only publishing credits are a couple of letters to the editor of the Agawam Advertiser and a response in the Valley Advocate regarding a problem that I needed Ask Isadora's help on.
83) I enjoy Bugles, the salty snack.
84) I played the trumpet, baritone, and tuba in the school band until high school when I thought it wasn't cool.
85) I was on As Schools Match Wits as a Junior and as a Senior
86) I had a crush on Julie Ouimet from 7th grade until my senior year. I don’t think she knew I existed
87) I worked as a waiter at the then Sheraton Inn in West Springfield. I was terrible at it
88) I worked at McDonald's until I was 19. That was a blast
89) I went to a rodeo once and I actually had a good time
90) I use 14% of my brain
91) I only knew a few words in American Sign Language. I know two swears, the sign of the devil, and the sign for ok
92) I can cry on command. I just think of Radar reading the telegraph about Henry's plane crashing
93) I am a connoisseur of popcorn and clam chowder. Not together, you idiot.
94) I love to procrastinate
95) Having my job eliminated has really sharpened my napping skills
96) I'm considering a career change to Wall St executive.
97) I have healing powers that I apply through a combination of sensual massage, aromatherapy, and loud barking sounds
98) I'm lost without your love
99) I want to start a troupe of performers to play schools across the country warning children about the dangers of wearing their pants below their waists. It's going to be called "I see London. I see France. Pull up your damn pants, jackass"
100) I'm not that strong a swimmer

It's been a while

If you have a choice, take the easy way
Rely on fate to get through every day
OK, this MO’s worked out good for me
But normal’s not all it’s cracked up to be

You can live with regret. Swallow it down
Waste your life hiding in your hometown
Take the beaten path wherever you go
And take a safe turn at every crossroad

It's not so bad. Don’t set any goals
Dodge all the traps and avoid the potholes
Ignore passing time as your youth flies by
Fifty years on in the blink of an eye

It’s not as glamorous as I make it seem
Living this life’s sure not living the dream
Racing time, average only takes you so far
Leaving behind just a lifeless memoir

Mr. Average will never grab the brass ring
Won’t fight for a cause or risk anything
He didn’t fail or fall short, he never tried
Chances are no one will care that he died

Letters From Home

July 12, 2010

So anyways,

Your Aunt Nancy has finally decided to marry that loser she’s been shacking up with for years. Apparently, he finally found a job and now they can afford that wedding she’s been dreaming of. He’s going to be doing quality control at the urinal cake factory. I hope they don’t plan to have it on League Night at the Bowl-O-Mat.

Your cousin Jimmy, the one with the droopy ear, he’s back in Juvie Hall again. This time, he got caught breaking into the Dairy Queen. At 2AM they found him in the back parking lot. He was sitting by himself at a picnic table eating a whole box of Dilly Bars. Of course, he was stoned out of his mind. What can you do? Next time, he’ll be going to jail.

Remember the Jepsons from over on Hillside? Her stepson from his first marriage was selling crystal meth at their tag sale. Can you imagine? That’s what you get for marrying a hillbilly from West Side. So there they were, selling all the usual crap right there in their driveway, and this zipperhead is sitting at his own table, selling Pez dispensers with meth in them. I mean, she should have wondered why all these derelicts kept showing up and walking right by her carefully laid out used clothes, 45s, and collectible McDonalds glasses. Next thing they know, a police car pulls into the driveway and the kid takes off. They caught him a couple of blocks away. He had tried to jump over a chain link fence, but the crotch of his pants was so low he couldn’t make it over. They found him upside-down with only his feet still in the pants that were still stuck on the top of the fence. He had knocked himself out.

When you get back, I’ve found the perfect girl for you. She’s your age and she’s got a great personality. She works at Dunkin Donuts and her name is either Sue or Marie. I’ve seen her with both nametags. I told her what you’re like and she’s very eager to meet you. She’s appears to be very strong. Her uniform is relatively coffee stain-free and she always wears a very colorful bow in her hair that matches her fingernails. Also, she always tosses me a munchkin when her supervisor isn’t looking. Let me know if I can give her your address so she can write you.

I don’t know if you heard this, but Mr. Reynolds died. You remember him. He was the guy that played chess with your Uncle Lou in the park. Massive coronary. Apparently, heart trouble runs in his family. Too bad. He left his entire fortune to a stripper at Lollipops named Jazzy Katt. Uncle Lou is piiiisssssed!

A new store opened up downtown in the space that used to be the Canadian Restaurant. Some idiot thought it would be a good idea to open a boutique that sells loincloths. It’s called Loins and Groins. Just what this town needs; fruitcakes walking down the street dressed like Tarzan.

The 4th of July fireworks display almost went off without a hitch. They couldn’t hold it in Bill O’Reilly Park because of the foul smells coming out of the sinkhole so they shot them off in the parking lot behind St. Bejesus. It was going alright until the grand finale. A tiny miscalculation by the jokers in charge of lighting them off set the steeple on fire. Father Cziedwylskdgzmy is holding a Nozki and Kielbasa fundraiser, but that won’t be enough for a new steeple.

Luckily, they’re having a music festival this summer in town. Inexplicably, they’re calling it Sheet Metal. It’s mostly heavy metal cover bands. Some of the proceeds will go to St. Bejesus. Korn On the Kob, Godspank, and Slip Not are headlining. They also have a bunch of new bands I’ve never heard of but you may have. The flyer lists Satan’s Minyons, Tynkle, the Dry Heeves, Nucular Fission, Reapercussions, the Deemons, the Deamons, and the Deimons, Igor and the Humps, Rectle Abyss, and the Gnawd. Should be a good show, but I doubt I’ll make it. It’ll probably be filled with unemployed, loincloth-wearing, dope smoking hippies.

If you get a chance, say a prayer for my cousin, Skully. He just lost his dog after a long illness. The dog’s actual name was the symbol €, but he called him Teddy, short for Teddy Dog. Don’t ask me. I don’t understand dog people. Anyway, Skully’s wife left him last year and now losing Teddy might push him over the edge. It’s too bad Skully is such a loathsome, arrogant son of a bitch. He wouldn’t be lonely, twisted, bitter, and alone.

We’re having a heat wave here. If you spend more than 5 minutes outside, the sweat from every one of your pores somehow channels down your back, funneling directly into your asscrack. I’ve never seen so many sweat bras in my life. It’s like swimming in a turkey fryer up in here.

Did you see the season finale of Ghost Detectors? They did a segment on the old Maison Mansion up on Route 4 where that serial killer lived. Four paranormal investigators spent the night inside with all sorts of sophisticated scientific equipment. There was one part where they had a séance and a weird disembodied voice said what sounded like, “Boo”. They all freaked. In another part, they caught a ghost on a thermal camera. One of the investigators was just standing still, trying to record EVPs with his back to the camera, when a strange light appeared right behind his ass and spread until it disappeared into the air. It was also accompanied by a weird satanic stench. It was pretty spooky. They caught a couple of other weird voices on tape and what they said was the sound of a little girl crying but, to me, it sounded more like a cell phone ringing. The mayor is going to try and make the place into a tourist attraction. I guess they’ll make tee shirts and everything. Good luck. I’m not setting foot in that place.

I saw Danny Velour, the morning show DJ on WNUM, buying pants in Men’s Warehouse the other day. He was acting like a diva, demanding that the wardrobe consultant re-measure him because there was no way he was a 36. “I’m a 32, dammit!” he says. So they give him a size 32 and he goes and tries them on. He comes back out after 10 minutes and everyone’s laughing at him because his gut is hanging over the belt and it looks like he’s turning blue. He can barely walk. He’s obviously in a lot of pain and he tries to undo the button on top. But the pants are too tight. Now, I feel sorry for the guy. He’s working and working at it, but he can’t inhale enough to give him the room to unbutton the pants. Two workers come up and try to help him. The three of them are all grabbing and pulling away. He’s practically dancing, like he has to go the bathroom and screaming, “Get them off! Get them off! What is wrong with you assholes?” This third guy runs up with a big pair of scissors, making Velour shriek like a little girl. The other two guys tackle him and hold him down while the third guy slides the scissors inside the waistband and starts to saw away. Now, I’m laughing because he deserves to get his manhood altered. Finally, the material gives way and everyone scrambles to get away from him. He stands up and the pants fall down. The guy is naked from the waist down. No one says anything. You could hear a pin drop. What does Velour do? He takes this defiant pose, points at the pants, and says, “I am not paying for those.” They called the cops on him.

We had some excitement last week when a chambermaid at Motel 6 held a press conference, announcing that she was involved in a relationship with Tiger Woods. It wasn’t clear how or where she met him since he’s never been anywhere near here, ever. She didn’t exactly say much herself. Her representative/agent Ronald “Silky” Pianowicz did most of the talking. He described their relationship as torrid and “intensely sexitive”. There wasn’t much national coverage, but the Advertiser ran an expose on the situation. Her name is Chantelier DiFlower. She looks like she’s in her mid 30’s with a blonde dye job. Do you know her?

I know this will interest you. There’s an art exhibit at the library this week by a local artist named Alex Hammerswanger. It’s an interesting mélange of styles combining the bold aggression of the 1890’s Amsterdam Devolutionists with the Pico de Gallo Movement of post-WWII Spain. He works primarily in oils, but he also has a few works on display that look and smell like indistinct and random smears of poop. His choice of subjects is very interesting too. Among the more traditional and actually recognizable ones are a good half-dozen multi-colored unicorns, two self-portraits, an Elvis on a polar bear, a collapsed and rotten jack-o-lantern, a landscape scene depicting hundreds of souls writhing and suffering terribly in eternal torment, and a butterfly. It’s running through July.

The head scientist in charge down at the Sleep Center was arrested last week. He was running some kind of test on the effects of ambient heat on the human sleep cycle. There was an ad in the Advertiser for females 18-25 willing to be part of a research project. According to the research assistant, they were subjected to various conditions including being covered by different numbers of blankets, sharing a bed with multiple other subjects, and increasing the room temperature “until they got sweaty”. This went on for a couple of months. There had been a lot of complaints from the subjects about the placement of the sensors on their body and the fact that they often woke up wearing different pajamas than the ones they went to sleep in. Apparently, the police got involved when one of the women reported that she woke up in the middle of the night to feel the doctor leaning over her bed, singing “White Wedding” by Billy Idol into her ear. We’ll see how it plays out. It’s amazing what some people will do for $250.

Well, that about sums it up. I hope this letter finds you well. Let me know what you think about Sue/Marie. As good ole Dickie Betts says, Keep on keepin’ on

Happy Belated Birthday

To my friend Radhika

I’m very sorry that I did not send you a card on your birthday. I started working on something artistic for you a week before your birthday, but a series of unfortunate circumstances delayed me from mailing your birthday card and my enclosed drawing to you.

I was traveling to the post office with your card, having every intention of mailing it to you, but my car broke down on the way. Fortunately, a passing motorist noticed my predicament and stopped to help. He courteously asked me if I needed a ride and I gladly accepted his offer. Unfortunately, he was on his way to spend the day at the beach, so I never got to the post office.

When we arrived at an empty parking lot by the shore, he got out of the car and walked around back to open the trunk. I watched him take out a pair of roller blades, lace them up, and roll away with neither wave nor goodbye. So, there I was, left alone on the pavement with only your card for company. Being March, it was cold and there was no one around to ask for help. There weren’t even any other cars in the parking lot. But, I did see a boat moored to the dock.

As I walked toward the boat, the captain saw me coming and he waved to me in a friendly manner. I approached him and asked if he could help me find a way to get back home. Fortunately, he was just about to cast off and he said he could bring me to the next port where I could catch a bus home. I thought to myself, “This isn’t going to be the fastest way home”, but I had no other choice. Unfortunately, once out to sea, we were caught in a fierce storm with enormous swells and the boat capsized.

I was able to hold your card above water as I paddled to stay afloat. The storm eventually blew over and I was able to find a piece of wood to cling to. The captain and his first mate were nowhere to be found¹. While I floated, waiting for rescue, I passed the time pondering unpleasant things like sharks, sea monsters, and poisonous jellyfish. I was hoping that a search plane would fly over and save me, along with your card. I never did see a search plane, but I did see a whale.

Actually, the whale saw me first. He² rose from the briny deep and swallowed me³ whole. Fortunately, I was able to keep your card dry as I slid down his gullet into inky blackness. Unfortunately, he was just about to go back underwater, which would certainly drown me and probably spell the end to your birthday card as well. Kneeling in despair, I noticed what could only be a circle of sunlight at my feet. I looked up to see blue sky. Quickly, I scrambled up what could only be his blowhole. I was able to thrust my hand (with the card) and upper arm out of the blowhole seconds before the great mammal submerged. Having no way to gulp in air, my captor was unable to return to the depths, saving me for the moment.

Dale was mad that I had forced him to swim on the surface⁴. He cruised along for quite a while and my hand was starting to hurt from clutching your card so tight. I managed to squeeze my arm up to the shoulder out of the blowhole, and then my head. As you can imagine, the smell was awful⁵.

Eventually, I wriggled my whole top half out of the marine behemoth, leaving my legs dangling below. We were traveling very fast. It looked to me that Dale was at least 300 feet long⁶ from tip to tail. Fortunately, we were heading in the direction of shore. I saw land ahead, and lights. I wiggled some more, hoping to slither out into the ocean and swim to shore. Unfortunately, Dale realized I could now be blown out of his blowhole. So, one explosive snort later, up and out I went. I soared, flapping my arms like a seagull and screaming like a little girl until I splashed into the water, feet first. I frantically swam for the surface.

I was able to reach to the surface just before my lungs ran out of air and I was very relieved. I couldn’t blame Dale. He was probably very relieved himself. I had learned you should always be polite so, not knowing what to say under these circumstance, I said “Gesundheit”, even though he couldn’t hear me⁷.

With a start, I realized that I no longer had your card. I desperately looked around me, hoping to find it floating nearby. Fortunately, I looked up and saw it, flipping and floating down from the sky. I was able to catch it before it hit the water. I had saved it. I was only a couple of hundred feet from shore so I knew I would be able to swim to safety, find a post office, and mail your card to you. Unfortunately, just then, a pelican flew by and snatched the card from my hand. I swam as fast I could to shore, following the thief.

When I dragged myself out of the surf, I looked around for the pelican, but it was to no avail. It was getting dark now and I was afraid I’d never find it or your card. I was wet, tired, and I had idea where I was. I walked toward lights coming from buildings nearby, hoping to find a police station where I could report being robbed by a pelican. The first building I came to was an all-night doughnut shop that luckily accepted my wet money, and very graciously I might add. While I sat in a booth eating my doughnut and drinking my hot chocolate, I told my story to the people that were sitting around me. There was Jack and his common-law wife Charlotte, Shelley, an elderly ex-exterminator with a frighteningly loud and disgustingly productive cough, a musician named Twist, and Sergei, an employee who was taking a break from mopping the floor. They agreed to help me by forming a search party to find the filthy card-thieving aquatic bird, so off we went.

Out of nowhere, a large mob of people formed equipped with torches, lanterns, and totally unnecessary pitchforks⁸ screaming for vengeance⁹. Fortunately, we didn’t have to look for very long because we found the pelican fast asleep on a pile of envelopes¹⁰ in a wooded area very close to the doughnut shop. I was glad that we hadn’t been forced to use the pitchforks. Unfortunately, the filthy card-thieving aquatic bird had pooped all over the pile. I grabbed a lantern from the nearest pitchfork-wielding maniac and searched the pile carefully.

Your card was only slightly damaged. You couldn’t even tell that it had been inside a whale or under a pelican. I wiped the envelope on the pelican’s back and held it up triumphantly. The mob went wild. Many grabbed envelopes themselves and held them up, imitating me. That turned out to be not so smart. Some of the envelopes were really messy¹¹ and some caught fire because the people held them too close to their torches. I decided not to wait for the mob to disperse. I dropped my lantern and snuck away into the dark with your card hoping to leave this town by catching the next bus home as soon as possible.

I was exhausted at this point, which may have led to what happened next. Still in damp clothes, the first thing I did was look for any clothing store that was still open for business. Fortunately, I found one and I bought new clothes. Like I said, I was really tired, so I didn’t pay close attention to the sizes or the style. I was finally warm and dry again. Unfortunately, it was a women’s clothing store and I had mistakenly bought denim capris, an embroidered tank top, and some strappy sandals. I didn’t even notice until I sat down on the bus next to a woman with the same outfit. At that point I didn’t really care. It was cold on the bus and I really regretted not buying that Hannah Montana jean jacket. Regardless, I was so tired that I couldn’t stay awake anyway.

The bus took me home while I slept. Well, eventually I got home. I know I must have purchased a bus ticket, but my memory is very hazy on the exact details of how I did just that.
The man at the bus station must have had a lot of wax in his ears because I’m sure that I asked for a ticket to Springfield, Massachusetts¹². But he must have thought I said Springly, Arkansas because when I woke up many hours later, that’s where the bus had stopped. The bus driver tapped me on the shoulder and told me to get off the bus. He also suggested finding some men’s clothing.

I had no luggage, but I still had my credit card and I still had your birthday card. I took his advice and found a men’s clothing store. My fellow customers cast a few disapproving looks my way and I believe the clerk may have made a tsking sound before accepting my credit card. I felt like a new man when I left Manley For Men¹³.

I found a pay phone and called my house. Fortunately, someone answered and I didn’t have to leave a long message. When I told my wife where I was and what had happened to me, she couldn’t believe it. She said, “I didn’t know you were gone. I thought you were at work.”

I said, “For two days? Didn’t you miss me?”

She only hesitated for a second and then said, “Of course we missed you.”

I told her I’d be home soon. She said, “Take your time. Love you. Bye”.

Unfortunately, although there were buses arriving every hour, the next bus scheduled to leave Springly was not for two days, after the annual Spring Bus Drivers of America convention.

I was stuck there for two days before I could get out. I had to stay at the Manley Hotel downtown¹⁴ which only had one room free. The woman at the front desk told me it was haunted and that I’d have to share it with the ghost of Zachariah Manley who had died in a tragic shaving accident as he slept. But it wasn’t all bad. I was able to watch the Bus Demolition Derby, the Springly Creek Yellow School Bus Jump¹⁵, and a remarkably close-fought doughnut eating contest won by a very skinny bus driver from Alabama. I also heard the story of the bitter feud between the Manleys and the Springleys and that there was a truce for the duration of the convention¹⁶.

Eventually, I got on the road¹⁷ and headed for home. Fortunately, the man sitting to my left across the aisle had excellent hygiene, a sparkling personality, and dozens of fascinating stories to pass the time. What a guy. Unfortunately, the man to my right was not as pleasant. First of all, he smelled like a blowhole. Secondly, he didn’t have one nice thing to say to me the whole trip. And the worst part was, I’m not kidding, I swear he got up to go the bathroom fifteen times. That’s thirty times he passed by me. I think I passed out three or four times from the smell.

When I finally did get home, I called my wife from the bus station to pick me up. She asked me, “Are you at MassMutual?”

I said, “No, honey. I’m at the bus station. I was gone for a week. Remember?”

“Oh yeah. Welcome home,” she said. She picked my up a few hours later and we drove home. It felt so good to be back. I asked her to stop at the post office so I could mail this to you. I hope you like it. Again, I’m very sorry about being late, but as I’m sure you’ll agree, I have a good excuse.

At least I hope so.

Your good friend Mark


¹ They were later found by another fishing boat whose captain had enough sense not to go out to sea into the teeth of a storm.
² Or she. I couldn’t tell. From now on, I’ll just refer to Dale as a he. Interesting story; I named him Dale after a pet squirrel that used to live in a tree outside my bedroom window. Actually, Dale (the squirrel) wasn’t really a pet. He was more of an acquaintance.
³ I think it was by accident. We never got a chance to discuss his motivation.
⁴ I have to assume that he was mad. I would have been.
⁵ On second thought, I wouldn’t try to imagine it if I were you.
⁶ This would make Dale the longest creature ever to swim the seas. But my vision isn’t the best and my state of mind at the time was iffy. Don’t take my word for it.
⁷ Whales don’t have ears.
⁸ I don’t even know where they got the pitchforks. Who sells pitchforks these days?
⁹ I guess this pelican had made a lot of enemies in this town.
¹⁰ Curiously, all of the envelopes were similar in size to the one which held your birthday card, although of different colors.
¹¹ Again, you’d be better off not imagining it.
¹² Where else?
¹³ I found the name odd, but who am I to judge?
¹⁴ There is a Manley Hotel on the outskirts too, but it’s more of a Bed and Breakfast Inn and I don’t like breakfast
¹⁵ This is not what you think. No one jumps over a Yellow School Bus. It’s named poorly. It’s actually a contest where Yellow School Bus drivers attempt to jump over Springley Creek. Apparently, no one has ever jumped Springly Creek successfully in a Yellow School Bus. The driver that came closest to accomplishing the feat was one Tommy Wobbleton from Cherry Hill, New Jersey. The front wheels of his bus landed on the opposite side but stuck in the mud, causing the rest of the bus to fold up like an accordion.
¹⁶ It all started long ago when the town was incorporated. As you can imagine, some of the townsfolk have a very strident opinion that the town should be named Manley, Arkansas
¹⁷ I was on a bus. The bus was on the road.

The Pelican

A boy stood at the end of a small rock jetty, fishing. Beside him was a small pail. The late afternoon sky was gray and the air was growing colder. Between casts of his small rod, the boy's shoulders trembled as he cried freely, shivering in a gathering mist. Above him soared a pelican. Around and around, the bird circled the boy, watching. With a tiny tilt of his wings he angled toward the rocks and the boy. He lit beside the pail and looked inside. He waddled in front of the boy who, to this point, had taken no notice of his presence.

“Hello, Small Man. I see you fish."
"I fish also."
"I will be fishing for my dinner very soon."
"You have caught three already. You must leave some for me."
“Do you not speak? Can you not hear me?”

The boy continued to sob quietly. He reeled in his line again and recast.

“You do not need to cry. The ocean is salty enough."
"Perhaps you should tell me why you cry."
"I would like to listen to your story, but listening makes me hungry. May I?”

The boy reached down with his right hand and pulled a fish from his pail, holding it up. He remained silent, staring at his line. The pelican swallowed the fish whole and counted the waves waiting for the boy to speak. Finally, the boy looked down at the bird.

"Me and my Grandpa used to go everywhere together, but now he tells me that he doesn’t always feel good anymore. Dad says he's getting very sick. He can’t drive me to ballgames anymore. He doesn’t wrestle with me anymore. Sometimes he forgets things. This morning he couldn’t remember my name.”

The tears started again.

“Getting old is not easy. I know. Soon will come the day that I will make my last dive. Could I have another?”

The boy held up another fish. The pelican gulped greedily. “Go on.”

“I’m scared.”

“If you are afraid he will not be with you much longer, why do you fish alone?"

The boy blinked and strained his eyes to stop the tears as he considered the question. He stared far out to sea, where the clouds touched the water. He remembered his grandfather's sailing lessons and the afternoons sailing the bounding main in his small boat pretending to be pirates. He remembered his first baseball game with his father and grandfather and how beautiful and green the grass was. He remembered looking up at both of them as they cheered, wanting to grow up to be just like them. He remembered every secret gift that his grandfather had given him and every hug that had made him feel so safe and warm and happy.

"Think how lonely he must feel. You should be with him now. I would be happier if I had a friend like you with me all of the time. I spend my all my days alone now. Are you going to eat that?” the pelican asked, pointing a wing at the last fish.

The boy fed him again. “You're right. I shouldn't be afraid. He needs me." The boy picked up his now empty pail and smiled at the pelican.

"I should go now. Do you talk to everyone?”

“I have never had the desire to speak before. Will you come back here again tomorrow? Listening is hungry work, but I find that fishing is harder.”

“Then I will come back tomorrow, if you need me to.”

“I would like that. Do not forget your fishing stick, Small Man."

"I won't. Who knows? Maybe, Grandpa can join us."