I just returned from a week-long trip to Florida. Here is a short list of tips to make your vacation go smoother:
1) Wear mirrored sunglasses.
There are a number of things to see that you don't want to be caught seeing.
2) Don't bother with underwear.
It's so hot there right now that your unmentionables will be soaked before boarding the bus, or boat, or monorail.
3) Take a day off in the middle of the vacation.
Spend the middle day in your hotel room with the AC set to frigidiculous.
4) Don't sleep with the chambermaid
No matter how comely a lass she may be.
5) Drop wherever you are
There is no dignified way to pass out with heat stroke, so just go with it. Make it as dramatic as possible.
6) When flying, stow toddlers in the overhead soundproof compartments
It doesn't matter where you're flying. This still applies.
7) Wear clothing with pockets.
There are so many important things to lose, that you might as well lose them in your own clothing.
8) Try not stand out in the crowd
Never, ever wear dark socks and dress shoes with shorts. I can't believe I saw that.
9) Avoid going to any Disney Character dining experience.
The number and volume of squealing brats at any restaurant is tortuous, but these meals are actually designed to initiate migraine sequence and subsequent suicide.
10) Don't have any strong opinions about anything or anyone.
Just ride the wave and let the magic carry you.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Vow #1
Which brings me to my latest vow. Henceforth, I will use the phrase, “the shit out of” at least once every day to describe how intensely I go about my daily duties. For example, “I enjoyed the shit out of that lemonade”. Or, “I faxed the shit out of that document”. If anyone is offended by this, it’s your problem, and frankly, I don’t care.
Self
We just don't take enough time to see the beauty around us. I admit that I stumble through life, ignoring many things that could enrich my life. Every day, I wake up and interact. I have conversations. I read what others have written. I listen to what others sing. I look at what others have created. I eat what others cook. But, I don’t always listen. I don’t always see and I don’t always savor the flavor.
When you read a book or hear someone speak, you should be trying to grasp more than just the dialogue. For example, there is pleasure, call it satisfaction, from hearing a well-turned sentence. I mean, if someone made the effort to craft a phrase or paragraph that describes a feeling or sensation so precisely and perfectly that it affects you viscerally, you should take it into your consciousness and make it part of you. I’m sure you’ve done it plenty of times unconsciously, but do you try to find it in every book, every lyric? If you’re like me, you let too much fall through your mental sieve.
How much richer would my life be if I could have more sights, more tastes, more feelings to recall? I’ve stored a trove of memories; snippets of movie dialogue, smells of the kitchen when I was growing up, my first taste of beer. You know, the highlights. The thing is, I wish there were more. It’s not that the years have gone by so quickly, it’s that they went by without me noticing them. The point is that we shouldn’t wait until middle age to understand this. Start now. Go out and drink it in now. Don’t just save the highlights. Feel everything.
When you read a book or hear someone speak, you should be trying to grasp more than just the dialogue. For example, there is pleasure, call it satisfaction, from hearing a well-turned sentence. I mean, if someone made the effort to craft a phrase or paragraph that describes a feeling or sensation so precisely and perfectly that it affects you viscerally, you should take it into your consciousness and make it part of you. I’m sure you’ve done it plenty of times unconsciously, but do you try to find it in every book, every lyric? If you’re like me, you let too much fall through your mental sieve.
How much richer would my life be if I could have more sights, more tastes, more feelings to recall? I’ve stored a trove of memories; snippets of movie dialogue, smells of the kitchen when I was growing up, my first taste of beer. You know, the highlights. The thing is, I wish there were more. It’s not that the years have gone by so quickly, it’s that they went by without me noticing them. The point is that we shouldn’t wait until middle age to understand this. Start now. Go out and drink it in now. Don’t just save the highlights. Feel everything.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Emeril Arrested For Contributing To Delinquency of Minor
World famous TV chef Emeril Lagasse was arrested immediately following the taping of his TV Show, Emeril Live! Friday afternoon. Police took him into custody on multiple counts of the charge of Contributing To the Delinquency of a Minor. Authorities say that several children were in attendance at the taping when Mr. Lagasse added a liberal amount of cognac in the making of his Bacon-Braised Quail with Crostini. The popular chef then added a small amount more of cognac while smiling wryly. When the crowd responded with hoots and applause, Lagasse is captured on tape as saying "Oh yeah. That's what I'm talking about." thereby exhorting the crowd, including the children, to a "criminal degree of alcohol approval" according to Lieutenant Shirley Taper.
Lagasse exhibited wanton disregard for the children's welfare when he implicitly suggested that alcohol was appropriate for consumption by minors. By words and action, Mr. Lagasse is flauting everything we are trying to teach these kids about responsible behavior." states Lieutenant Taper. The legal drinking age in New York, where Emeril Live! is taped, is 21 years old. Mr. Lagasse's counsel, Jack Whiteman made this comment, "Mr. Lagasse, in no way, condones the consumption of alcohol by minors. It is merely a coincidence that the studio's monitors suggested to the audience that they should "stand up and dance and whoop it up like fratboys" at the same time that the alcohol was added to the quail. We will clear his name and a lawsuit for defamation of character is not out of the question."
Additional charges were dropped after some confusion during the arrest. Several officers in the studio mistakenly took cover and drew their weapons upon hearing Mr. Lagasse utter his familiar catchphrase "Bam!" during the creation of his Lemon Meringue Torte dessert.
Lagasse exhibited wanton disregard for the children's welfare when he implicitly suggested that alcohol was appropriate for consumption by minors. By words and action, Mr. Lagasse is flauting everything we are trying to teach these kids about responsible behavior." states Lieutenant Taper. The legal drinking age in New York, where Emeril Live! is taped, is 21 years old. Mr. Lagasse's counsel, Jack Whiteman made this comment, "Mr. Lagasse, in no way, condones the consumption of alcohol by minors. It is merely a coincidence that the studio's monitors suggested to the audience that they should "stand up and dance and whoop it up like fratboys" at the same time that the alcohol was added to the quail. We will clear his name and a lawsuit for defamation of character is not out of the question."
Additional charges were dropped after some confusion during the arrest. Several officers in the studio mistakenly took cover and drew their weapons upon hearing Mr. Lagasse utter his familiar catchphrase "Bam!" during the creation of his Lemon Meringue Torte dessert.
New Film Promises To Be a Blockbuster
Hollywood is abuzz over "Bloody Rich", the latest project green-lighted at Cutting Edge Productions. Studio head Stu Maven says that no details will be released publicly until shooting is completed. Heavy security will exclude all but the cast and crew from the locations. "This film is going to be our biggest hit to date and go on to become perhaps the most successful movie of all time. I won't divulge the plot, the cast, or the location," said Maven, from his office. "We've got a helluva script and I personally believe that we've got a completely new genre on our hands here. We're breaking new ground," gushed the exec.
Coming on the heels of the spectacular flop, Sassafras, which starred Robin Williams and Angelina Jolie as crime-fighting beekeepers, Maven's job may be on the line. He went on to say, "This is so huge we won't need to spend any money on pre-publicity at all. We can pour it all into the movie. The special effects will be every bit as amazing as you've come to expect from a Cutting Edge film. I'm so confident in this project that we're going to be giving a money-back guarantee to any person that isn't completely blown away. The world is going to have to wait a few months, but it is going to be worth it. "We're going to keep it under wraps for as long as we can, but when we open, it's going to break every record. I couldn't be more excited."
We have obtained a hand written napkin with a plot synopsis for the film from an unnamed member of the night cleaning crew at CEP.
"How about this? There's this super-rich businessman that is also a spy for the British government. He has to stop this other super-rich guy from taking over the world with help from lots of independently wealthy hot babes. Call me."
Also obtained was an internal studio memo regarding "Bloody Rich" and it appears that Maven has staked his career, as well as the studio's future, on this one film. In the memo, Maven approves an unlimited budget for the prodution and suggests that they go after the top talent in Hollywood, listing Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, Tom Hanks, and Tom Selleck, among others.
The offical web site for the film, www.bloodyrich.com only shows cartoon men wearing yellow construction helmets carrying an "Under Construction" sign.
Coming on the heels of the spectacular flop, Sassafras, which starred Robin Williams and Angelina Jolie as crime-fighting beekeepers, Maven's job may be on the line. He went on to say, "This is so huge we won't need to spend any money on pre-publicity at all. We can pour it all into the movie. The special effects will be every bit as amazing as you've come to expect from a Cutting Edge film. I'm so confident in this project that we're going to be giving a money-back guarantee to any person that isn't completely blown away. The world is going to have to wait a few months, but it is going to be worth it. "We're going to keep it under wraps for as long as we can, but when we open, it's going to break every record. I couldn't be more excited."
We have obtained a hand written napkin with a plot synopsis for the film from an unnamed member of the night cleaning crew at CEP.
"How about this? There's this super-rich businessman that is also a spy for the British government. He has to stop this other super-rich guy from taking over the world with help from lots of independently wealthy hot babes. Call me."
Also obtained was an internal studio memo regarding "Bloody Rich" and it appears that Maven has staked his career, as well as the studio's future, on this one film. In the memo, Maven approves an unlimited budget for the prodution and suggests that they go after the top talent in Hollywood, listing Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, Tom Hanks, and Tom Selleck, among others.
The offical web site for the film, www.bloodyrich.com only shows cartoon men wearing yellow construction helmets carrying an "Under Construction" sign.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
