Local Business Raided By FBI

One of Craven’s oldest local businesses was raided today by agents of the FBI, aided by your local police in what Mayor Tomkins calls "a crackdown on perversion and the perverts who perpetrate perversion". Squads of heavily-clad and heavily-armed agents, backed up at a healthy distance by Craven’s finest, descended on Sex For Sure on 51st Street at approximately 2 PM. They were let in by the proprietor, Stella Finn, who was heard to shout, "What’s all the fuss, oh my!"

The street was cordoned off for over an hour while agents came and went removing what is assumed to be documents and possibly computer records from the seemingly innocent-looking storefront. Ms. Finn was led to a waiting black car, presumably for a ride down to the station. FBI spokesman Kent (didn’t catch his name) spoke briefly outside Sex For Sure. "We were tipped off that an illegal and illicit business was operating at this address by an un-named informant. After surveillance for more than 24 hours, it was apparent that said business was suspicious due to the lack of open windows and virtually no customers. Our source has told us that he, or she, wouldn’t doubt that there might be drugs involved, given that there often is. Drugs involved, I mean. We have arrested Ms. Stella Finn and she will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law."

At that moment, a young woman poked her head out the window of the apartment upstairs and shouted expletives at the FBI gathered below. They quickly swarmed back into the store and reappeared moments later dragging an obviously upset, Marla Finn, the proprietor’s daughter. She was also driven from the scene under arrest.

At the station house, the elder Finn, was also abusive and belligerent. She demanded to be released and threatened legal action. To this reporter’s trained eye, she had the look of a desperate and deranged wild animal, cornered and fighting for her life. As it turns out, she had every reason to behave like a rabid wolverine.

Ms. Finn’s business Sex For Sure is not what those among you with dirty minds might think it is. Ms. Finn claims to have a sure-fire, guaranteed baby sex determining system for which she has applied for a patent under the name Sex-For-Sure. That patent has been re-applied for every year since 1978 when she dreamed up this crackpot system. From an exclusive jail cell interview later that evening, I learned that the 74 year-old Finn (who is really Irish) claims to be able to guess the sex of a baby at the incredible rate of 61%. "I use a variety of traditional methods to determine the baby’s sex and collect them into what I call "a database". Using my years of experience in the field and some brilliant analytical formulas that my daughter helped me with, I can tell with virtual certainty whether your baby is going to be a boy or a girl."

When pointed out to Ms. Finn that 61% was not significantly different statistically from flipping a coin, Ms. Finn flew off the handle again, rattling the bars with her dentures and howling at the moon. After Ms. Finn was subdued by a jolt from an officer’s taser, she consented to finish the interview. She explained that most amateur baby sex guessers used one method while she employs over 75 methods from cultures all over the world. They range from questions about sexual positions to the New Zealand Tuatara Egg Test. Each test adds a piece to the puzzle.

"Sometimes I have to do the Oregano and Blue Dye #2 test multiple times until the I get the right mix. There’s a lot of science involved. You need a professional. Everyone knows that the weather on the day that conception occurs is crucial, but very few know that the day of the week has to be taken into account too. You’re wasting your time if you do the needle on a string test without first dipping the needle in extra virgin olive oil. And you’re liable to be way off if you go by how low you’re carrying without figuring in the father’s height. It’s ludicrous. I laugh when I see a young woman who thinks she’s mature enough to have a baby, but she doesn’t even know to remember to bring clippings with her for the Burning Toenails Test."

Due to the exotic and sometimes illegal materials she needs to perform some of these tests, her prices might be considered exorbitant. She charges $750 to hazard a guess, but she notes that your insurance company "should probably cover most, if not all, of it." She went on to list her famous clients, most notably, Vera Brecking, the actress who played the main character in a movie that Ms. Finn couldn’t remember.

She’s not sure if Sex For Sure can continue as a business since she claims that "The G-men tore the place apart." She and her daughter are being released soon and her immediate plans are to go home and soak her feet. The FBI released another statement apologizing for the misunderstanding and blaming the previously un-named informant, Arnold Mishpelling who lives across from Sex For Sure on 59th. Mr. Mishpelling is believed to be a jilted lover of Marla Finn.