NBA Announces Games Shortened To Last 5 Minutes

Responding to criticism from fans and players, as well as sinking ratings, Commissioner David Stern announced today that, beginning with the 2008-2009 season, all NBA games will be shortened to the last 5 minutes. “With this innovative and revolutionary improvment, we can capitalize on the most exciting portion of the greatest game in the world showcasing the greatest athletes in the world.”

Stern then left the podium, arms raised, responding to non-existent applause. He then pounded his chest with his right hand and blew kisses to the reporters present at the press conference. Deputy Commissioner Russ Grannum stepped to the microphone to explain the details of the plan. “We’ve taken the game 50 years into the future. It’s groundbreaking, but there’s really not much different. The game will start with a randomly determined score 7 minutes into the fourth quarter. Both teams will trade possessions, trying to score points. And, and, you won’t believe this, the foul lane will now changed from wood to this springy stuff that will add about 8 inches to the player’s vertical leap. Oh, oh, and since we don’t actually shoot into baskets anymore, we’re going to be calling the game “Hoopball” and change the name of the league to the National Hoopball League.” At this point, Grannum raised his palms to the roof and shouted something like, “I gotta go get me some som’in som’in. Fo’ shizzy. Peace out.

Since reporters did not get the chance to ask questions, a release was handed out which had more details. It is estimated that the game itself will now only last 30 minutes, allowing the new NHL to compete with prime time network shows such as Friends and Will and Grace. This will also mean that fans will be treated to “nothing but non-stop excitement” for their entertainment dollar. The average ticket price for an NHL game is expected to hold steady at $50.10. The commissioner’s office expects to see a slight decline in attendance, but they believe that it will be offset by increasing the number of games broadcast by TNT, TBS, and NBC to 850.

The NBA Players Association Executive Director, Billy Hunter, was not in attendance, but he responded by fax, “The NBPA, to a man, is outraged. The current collective bargaining agreement, which expires in 2005, contains no such nonsense. However, if salaries don’t go down and they only have to play for half an hour, I believe I could convince the players to make a concessions in just this one case.”

Spokespeople for the various networks which currently have agreements to broadcast NBA games say they have no problem with the proposed changes. Charles Barkley has already decided to come out of retirement, and start his own team with other retired NBA players. “We don’t need an arena. We can just play on my indoor court and televise from there.” NBC’s Sheila Glasser had this to say, “We believe that Hoopball is just the beginning. We’re counting on baseball and football to follow the leader and trim their games down to the good stuff too. This will allow us to expand our coverage of golf to follow Tiger Woods around even when he’s not golfing.”