Outbreak of Acne In Bi-County Area

During the third quarter of this year, local health authorities have reported 31 confirmed cases of acne-related blemishes including 63 pimples, 154 blackheads, and 2 cysts. During March and April 2007, acne breakouts increased 135% in comparison with the same time period in 2006. Craven’s acne incidence rate is the highest in the state. Health officials are at a loss to explain the numbers, calling them appalling and shocking.

David Fartwell, executive director of the Craven Municipal Health Office goes so far as to call the outbreak, “an epidemic”. “We are seeing skyrocketing pimple rates, especially in the teenage population. We are concerned that the vitcims will be ostracized by those of us that have good hygiene to the point of having to create an isolated colony to keep them from infecting us healthy-skinned people.” When questioned on the identity of the so-called Patient Zero, Fartwell responded, “We believe that the source of the outbreak is Jeremy Overton, a 16 year-old living smack dab in the center of the geographical area that we’re calling the Zit Zone. He’s got a faceful. Poor kid.”

At this point, it seems that the young are most susceptible. The Center for Disease Control, based in Atlanta, Georgia reports that environmental factors are primarily responsible for the spread of the disease. The CDC’s Acne expert, Bert Pankey, explains. “The disease appears to attack those with weak immune systems and poor hygiene habits. Pimples are a result of an infection that is probably passed by physical contact or by breathing near an infected person. It also might be carried by insects. I’m not really sure.”

Her Honor, Missy Tompkins, Craven’s newly elected first female mayor, has issued this statement. “There is no reason to deviate from your regular daily schedules. Just stay far away from the zitties. We’ll hunt them down and dispose, er… relocate, er… get them help.” Her Honor then asked her aide if teenagers could vote.