Disney Travel Tips

I just returned from a week-long trip to Florida. Here is a short list of tips to make your vacation go smoother:

1) Wear mirrored sunglasses.
   There are a number of things to see that you don't want to be caught seeing.
2) Don't bother with underwear.
   It's so hot there right now that your unmentionables will be soaked before boarding the bus, or boat, or monorail.
3) Take a day off in the middle of the vacation.
   Spend the middle day in your hotel room with the AC set to frigidiculous.
4) Don't sleep with the chambermaid
   No matter how comely a lass she may be.
5) Drop wherever you are
   There is no dignified way to pass out with heat stroke, so just go with it. Make it as dramatic as possible.
6) When flying, stow toddlers in the overhead soundproof compartments
   It doesn't matter where you're flying. This still applies.
7) Wear clothing with pockets.
   There are so many important things to lose, that you might as well lose them in your own clothing.
8) Try not stand out in the crowd
   Never, ever wear dark socks and dress shoes with shorts. I can't believe I saw that.
9) Avoid going to any Disney Character dining experience.
   The number and volume of squealing brats at any restaurant is tortuous, but these meals are actually designed to initiate migraine sequence and subsequent suicide.
10) Don't have any strong opinions about anything or anyone.
   Just ride the wave and let the magic carry you.

Vow #1

Which brings me to my latest vow. Henceforth, I will use the phrase, “the shit out of” at least once every day to describe how intensely I go about my daily duties. For example, “I enjoyed the shit out of that lemonade”. Or, “I faxed the shit out of that document”. If anyone is offended by this, it’s your problem, and frankly, I don’t care.

Self

We just don't take enough time to see the beauty around us. I admit that I stumble through life, ignoring many things that could enrich my life. Every day, I wake up and interact. I have conversations. I read what others have written. I listen to what others sing. I look at what others have created. I eat what others cook. But, I don’t always listen. I don’t always see and I don’t always savor the flavor.

When you read a book or hear someone speak, you should be trying to grasp more than just the dialogue. For example, there is pleasure, call it satisfaction, from hearing a well-turned sentence. I mean, if someone made the effort to craft a phrase or paragraph that describes a feeling or sensation so precisely and perfectly that it affects you viscerally, you should take it into your consciousness and make it part of you. I’m sure you’ve done it plenty of times unconsciously, but do you try to find it in every book, every lyric? If you’re like me, you let too much fall through your mental sieve.

How much richer would my life be if I could have more sights, more tastes, more feelings to recall? I’ve stored a trove of memories; snippets of movie dialogue, smells of the kitchen when I was growing up, my first taste of beer. You know, the highlights. The thing is, I wish there were more. It’s not that the years have gone by so quickly, it’s that they went by without me noticing them. The point is that we shouldn’t wait until middle age to understand this. Start now. Go out and drink it in now. Don’t just save the highlights. Feel everything.

Emeril Arrested For Contributing To Delinquency of Minor

World famous TV chef Emeril Lagasse was arrested immediately following the taping of his TV Show, Emeril Live! Friday afternoon. Police took him into custody on multiple counts of the charge of Contributing To the Delinquency of a Minor. Authorities say that several children were in attendance at the taping when Mr. Lagasse added a liberal amount of cognac in the making of his Bacon-Braised Quail with Crostini. The popular chef then added a small amount more of cognac while smiling wryly. When the crowd responded with hoots and applause, Lagasse is captured on tape as saying "Oh yeah. That's what I'm talking about." thereby exhorting the crowd, including the children, to a "criminal degree of alcohol approval" according to Lieutenant Shirley Taper.

Lagasse exhibited wanton disregard for the children's welfare when he implicitly suggested that alcohol was appropriate for consumption by minors. By words and action, Mr. Lagasse is flauting everything we are trying to teach these kids about responsible behavior." states Lieutenant Taper. The legal drinking age in New York, where Emeril Live! is taped, is 21 years old. Mr. Lagasse's counsel, Jack Whiteman made this comment, "Mr. Lagasse, in no way, condones the consumption of alcohol by minors. It is merely a coincidence that the studio's monitors suggested to the audience that they should "stand up and dance and whoop it up like fratboys" at the same time that the alcohol was added to the quail. We will clear his name and a lawsuit for defamation of character is not out of the question."

Additional charges were dropped after some confusion during the arrest. Several officers in the studio mistakenly took cover and drew their weapons upon hearing Mr. Lagasse utter his familiar catchphrase "Bam!" during the creation of his Lemon Meringue Torte dessert.

New Film Promises To Be a Blockbuster

Hollywood is abuzz over "Bloody Rich", the latest project green-lighted at Cutting Edge Productions. Studio head Stu Maven says that no details will be released publicly until shooting is completed. Heavy security will exclude all but the cast and crew from the locations. "This film is going to be our biggest hit to date and go on to become perhaps the most successful movie of all time. I won't divulge the plot, the cast, or the location," said Maven, from his office. "We've got a helluva script and I personally believe that we've got a completely new genre on our hands here. We're breaking new ground," gushed the exec.

Coming on the heels of the spectacular flop, Sassafras, which starred Robin Williams and Angelina Jolie as crime-fighting beekeepers, Maven's job may be on the line. He went on to say, "This is so huge we won't need to spend any money on pre-publicity at all. We can pour it all into the movie. The special effects will be every bit as amazing as you've come to expect from a Cutting Edge film. I'm so confident in this project that we're going to be giving a money-back guarantee to any person that isn't completely blown away. The world is going to have to wait a few months, but it is going to be worth it. "We're going to keep it under wraps for as long as we can, but when we open, it's going to break every record. I couldn't be more excited."

We have obtained a hand written napkin with a plot synopsis for the film from an unnamed member of the night cleaning crew at CEP.

"How about this? There's this super-rich businessman that is also a spy for the British government. He has to stop this other super-rich guy from taking over the world with help from lots of independently wealthy hot babes. Call me."

Also obtained was an internal studio memo regarding "Bloody Rich" and it appears that Maven has staked his career, as well as the studio's future, on this one film. In the memo, Maven approves an unlimited budget for the prodution and suggests that they go after the top talent in Hollywood, listing Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, Tom Hanks, and Tom Selleck, among others.

The offical web site for the film, www.bloodyrich.com only shows cartoon men wearing yellow construction helmets carrying an "Under Construction" sign.

Local Teen Pleads For Adults to Buy Cigarettes

Jeremy Taser, 14, of 1295 Hope Lange Dr has taken up temporary residence outside the Pump and Scratch Convenience store on Route 87 in hopes of procuring "some smokes". He plans on asking promising people of cigarette-buying age to score a pack or even a carton for his personal smoking pleasure. "I won't bother asking any women because they always look at you like they're your mother. Unless they pretty hagged out from smoking themselves. They might have a heart. Then again, some of the old guys have creeped me out. One guy asked me what I would do in exchange. I'm determined to get some smokes, but not that determined."

Mr. Taser has had limited success to this point. He spent Tuesday night, all day Wednesday, and part of Thursday hanging out by the side wall instead of near the windows. He estimates that he has asked "about 60" people to buy for him. His only successful solicitation came when a businessman in a tie flicked an incompletely smoked Newport butt at him. "He took my money and went in. When the guy came out, he dropped something so I just waited until he left and casually walked over to grab the loot, but it was only a losing scratch ticket." Taser admits that a similar scenario has played out more than a few times since he began his crusade. "I only have enough left for a pack of Virginia Slims because they're on sale. I might have to go home for a little while to do some chores for money. Mom gives me $10 to mow the lawn."

Taser, who looks older than his 14 years, was disappointed when the attendant at the Pump and Scratch refused to sell him a pack of Marlboros, telling him that he wasn't old enough. It was that pivotal moment that inspired him to supplement his as-yet not started habit of smoking by begging for cigarettes. "I know that I'll be successful because I can do anything I set my mind to," asserts Taser proudly. "No matter how many times I hear, 'Get lost, loser', or 'Stop hanging around here, loser, or I'll call the cops, loser' I'm going to find that last good Samerican who'll help me out." When it was pointed out to Taser that buying cigarettes for someone underage was illegal, he responded with a blank stare. "So?"

Some people have even given Taser some advice in lieu of supplying his cigarettes. "Most people ignore me, but some of them try to tell me to save my money for college or they say cigarettes are going to kill me. They don't understand. They don't know what it's like to be a kid these days. You can't believe the kind of pressure that I'm under. I'm not twelve anymore. I'm an adult now. I can make my own decisions."

Taser believes that perseverance is the key. "I can't give up now. I've invested so much time and effort. I don't care how many dirty looks I get from these people. I mean, they're going into the Pump and Scratch anyway. What's the big deal about doing a guy a solid? There's always kids hanging around the supermarket asking for money for this and that. What's the difference?"

Local Business Raided By FBI

One of Craven’s oldest local businesses was raided today by agents of the FBI, aided by your local police in what Mayor Tomkins calls "a crackdown on perversion and the perverts who perpetrate perversion". Squads of heavily-clad and heavily-armed agents, backed up at a healthy distance by Craven’s finest, descended on Sex For Sure on 51st Street at approximately 2 PM. They were let in by the proprietor, Stella Finn, who was heard to shout, "What’s all the fuss, oh my!"

The street was cordoned off for over an hour while agents came and went removing what is assumed to be documents and possibly computer records from the seemingly innocent-looking storefront. Ms. Finn was led to a waiting black car, presumably for a ride down to the station. FBI spokesman Kent (didn’t catch his name) spoke briefly outside Sex For Sure. "We were tipped off that an illegal and illicit business was operating at this address by an un-named informant. After surveillance for more than 24 hours, it was apparent that said business was suspicious due to the lack of open windows and virtually no customers. Our source has told us that he, or she, wouldn’t doubt that there might be drugs involved, given that there often is. Drugs involved, I mean. We have arrested Ms. Stella Finn and she will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law."

At that moment, a young woman poked her head out the window of the apartment upstairs and shouted expletives at the FBI gathered below. They quickly swarmed back into the store and reappeared moments later dragging an obviously upset, Marla Finn, the proprietor’s daughter. She was also driven from the scene under arrest.

At the station house, the elder Finn, was also abusive and belligerent. She demanded to be released and threatened legal action. To this reporter’s trained eye, she had the look of a desperate and deranged wild animal, cornered and fighting for her life. As it turns out, she had every reason to behave like a rabid wolverine.

Ms. Finn’s business Sex For Sure is not what those among you with dirty minds might think it is. Ms. Finn claims to have a sure-fire, guaranteed baby sex determining system for which she has applied for a patent under the name Sex-For-Sure. That patent has been re-applied for every year since 1978 when she dreamed up this crackpot system. From an exclusive jail cell interview later that evening, I learned that the 74 year-old Finn (who is really Irish) claims to be able to guess the sex of a baby at the incredible rate of 61%. "I use a variety of traditional methods to determine the baby’s sex and collect them into what I call "a database". Using my years of experience in the field and some brilliant analytical formulas that my daughter helped me with, I can tell with virtual certainty whether your baby is going to be a boy or a girl."

When pointed out to Ms. Finn that 61% was not significantly different statistically from flipping a coin, Ms. Finn flew off the handle again, rattling the bars with her dentures and howling at the moon. After Ms. Finn was subdued by a jolt from an officer’s taser, she consented to finish the interview. She explained that most amateur baby sex guessers used one method while she employs over 75 methods from cultures all over the world. They range from questions about sexual positions to the New Zealand Tuatara Egg Test. Each test adds a piece to the puzzle.

"Sometimes I have to do the Oregano and Blue Dye #2 test multiple times until the I get the right mix. There’s a lot of science involved. You need a professional. Everyone knows that the weather on the day that conception occurs is crucial, but very few know that the day of the week has to be taken into account too. You’re wasting your time if you do the needle on a string test without first dipping the needle in extra virgin olive oil. And you’re liable to be way off if you go by how low you’re carrying without figuring in the father’s height. It’s ludicrous. I laugh when I see a young woman who thinks she’s mature enough to have a baby, but she doesn’t even know to remember to bring clippings with her for the Burning Toenails Test."

Due to the exotic and sometimes illegal materials she needs to perform some of these tests, her prices might be considered exorbitant. She charges $750 to hazard a guess, but she notes that your insurance company "should probably cover most, if not all, of it." She went on to list her famous clients, most notably, Vera Brecking, the actress who played the main character in a movie that Ms. Finn couldn’t remember.

She’s not sure if Sex For Sure can continue as a business since she claims that "The G-men tore the place apart." She and her daughter are being released soon and her immediate plans are to go home and soak her feet. The FBI released another statement apologizing for the misunderstanding and blaming the previously un-named informant, Arnold Mishpelling who lives across from Sex For Sure on 59th. Mr. Mishpelling is believed to be a jilted lover of Marla Finn.

Man Injured In Bathroom Rhinoceros Accident

Long time resident, Gerald McFanny, is in serious condition in BiCounty General Hospital after sustaining serious injuries in an apparent bathroom rhinoceros accident. McFanny was discovered on the floor of the couple's split-level ranch by his wife Frances. According to Mrs. McFanny, she heard an unusual commotion coming from the upstairs bathroom. "When I heard loud roars and felt the floor shake, I knew something was wrong. Then I heard Gerry scream. I ran upstairs and opened the door to find him pinned to the wall by the rhino. He was bleeding pretty badly and he looked like he was in shock. I shooed the rhino away and helped him sit. Then I ran to call 911. They came very quickly, and Thank God, because he didn't look like he was going to make it. I just took a first aid course, but I didn't know what to do. He must have just slipped getting out of the shower and landed on the rhino."

Mr. McFanny sustained injuries to vital organs, but none are considered life threatening. Police experts have been called in to investigate and Inspector Bob Ranko states, "At this time, we're considering the upstairs bathroom a crime scene. We'll see how it plays out. A lot of the time these things turn out to be just an accident, but at this time we can't rule out foul play. And no, before you people go starting a witch hunt, we don't have any suspects."

Asked about the unusual circumstances of her husband's accident, Mrs. McFanny said, "We rarely use that shower since the kids have grown up."

Fashionably Late Couple Stoned To Death At Party

In what has been described as the most brutal slaying in the Bi-County area ever, Mill Road residents David and Fiona Carson were stoned to death at a house party Friday evening. The hosts of the party, Jerry and Corinne Dalrymple, have been charged with murder and the police are certain that more arrests will be forthcoming

The official police report states that the Carsons, well known for making a grand appearance, pulled into the driveway at 9:28PM for a party that began at 8:30PM. Upon entering the foyer of the Dalrymple home, they were met by Mrs. Dalrymple, who took their coats. They were then led into the main living area where they were immediately pelted with fist-sized stones and bludgeoned with larger rocks wielded by some of the larger men. The authorities were alerted when one of the guests, a member of the medical profession, confirmed that they were finally dead and called the police.

A guest at the party confirmed this version of the story and added, "We were all so tired of Dave and Fiona. Every party it's the same thing. They show up an hour late, like they just flew in from Paris. They have nothing for the hosts and they stand at the door with their arms around each other's waists, waiting for everyone to stop their conversations and say hi. Then they point and wave to people that aren't there and head for the bar. She's always wearing giant diamond earrings or a new tennis bracelet and he's got to make the same joke about running over the family pet with his Beamer. Honestly, wouldn't you want to hit them with a big rock?"

Police expect to arrest up to 30 people and charge them with various degrees of murder and other charges ranging from illegal burial (under a pile of rocks in the living room) to malicious damage to property over $5000 (the BMW, which was also stoned.)

Pope Drops Two Commandments

In a landmark religious decision, the Vatican announced that "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods" and "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" will be dropped bringing the number of commandments down to eight. "The pope had had enough. He told me he was sick of people coveting left and right and thumbing their noses at our Lord's laws," said papal spokesmonsignor Francis Fitzhume. "His actual words were, 'Jeez, can't these people keep their hands off each other? For chrissakes!'" Monsignor Fitzhume noted that the Pope had just finished watching an episode of Cheaters on the WB.

Vatican-watchers were only mildly surprised by the edict. Vittorio Delagiorgio, a professional photographer and noted Vatican expert, noted, "It was only a matter of time. I mean, my next-door neighbor has the only DVD player in my building. Everyone has been dying to see the deleted scenes that were cut from Battlefield Earth, but we had to wait until Gianni was back from his vacation to watch it. How can we not covet? You tell me."

Others felt a sense of relief in that they no longer would have to spend an eternity in Hell for fantasizing about their neighbor's wife as she hung the wet laundry on the clothesline. One coveter, who asked not to be named, had this to say. "I can't help myself. God could see that. Finally, the Pope has seen it too." Some reacted to the announcement angrily, "Why stop at coveting? Next thing you know adultery will be allowed too. This is a big mistake," said Giuseppe DePietro, a reformed coveter. "Heaven knows I coveted a lot when I was a kid. We all did. But that doesn't make it right, just because everybody's doing it."

Women's rights groups picketed the St. Peter's in protest. "This is just another example of men looking out for men. Why should men be able to get away without a care in the world for coveting goods and wives? Everyone knows that those two commandments were implicitly directed at men since women never covet," said Gabriella Rossini, noted feminist and author.

Papal authorities dismissed those charges by saying, "Yeah, sure. As if. Didn't she ever see My Best Friend's Wedding?"

Area Woman Still Single Due To Her Height

Twenty-five year old Francine Lorenz has a good job, a well-appointed spacious apartment, and is in excellent health. She is intelligent, witty, and fashionable. She has a figure that most women would kill for and a face that makes men stop and take notice. Then why is Francine alone?

Upon reflection, Ms. Lorenz suspects that her lonely state is due to her height. She stands 6'4" and she feels that men are intimidated by her stature. "Some men can’t stand being shorter than a woman. They must think that because I'm so tall, I would dominate them or being seen with me would make them look weak. Don't ask me to explain what the (expletive deleted) problem is with tall guys. They're just as (expletive deleted) bad.
"All my friends keep telling me, 'Francine, it's not you. It’s them.' Of course they’re all normal sized. What would they know anyway? Half of them are skanks who only have a guy because they're easy. The other half are morons who settled for any guy with more than three teeth."

"I don't know what it is about me. I keep myself in great shape. I smell great. I have no trouble talking to anyone. But, I never get asked out. I mean never. I have great platonic relationships with lots of men, but they don't ask me out. When I ask them out, they tell me they don't want to ruin a good thing. Isn't that the biggest line of (expletive deleted) you've ever heard?" complains the leggy blonde. "If I had a (expletive deleted) dime for every time I heard that one, I'd be as rich as Oprah (expletive deleted) Winfrey. It's all true. You can ask my friends."

Her female "friends" describe Francine as cruel and vindictive. They call her a "bitch on stilts". They relate times when Francine embarrassed them in public or deliberately tried to seduce their boyfriends. Francine brushes these stories off as her friends just being "(expletive deleted) jealous". "If I wasn't with them, men wouldn’t give them a second look. They're lucky if they even get a guy to throw them a dog bone, they're so ugly," says Francine. "Still, we love each other like sisters."

Ms. X (not her real name), Francine's "best" friend, says, "She actually has two notebooks with lists of the guys that she meets. One of them she calls her Prospect list and the other she calls the Dead Men list. When she gets turned down by the prospects they go on the Dead Men list. I think there are a couple of guys on the Dead Men list that have gone missing. I wouldn't be surprised if she did kill them. I hope they just moved away though."

The men in her life were afraid to talk about her. One young man in his mid-20s, speaking under condition of anonymity, had this to say. "She was after me for weeks. She kept calling me and leaving messages about what she wanted to do with me and at first it was kind of sexy, but then when I didn't return her calls she started swearing at me and threatening to vandalize my car. She's pretty hot and all, but she's a psycho, man."

Ms. Lorenz works as the office manager of a local consulting firm. Her co-workers describe Francine as cruel and vindictive. Many have obtained restraining orders against her. Despite coming into contact with many eligible bachelors at her place of business, she cannot understand why there are not men willing men to date her. "I've even explored some possibilities with married men, but I must be too tall for them too. They tell me all about how their wives are either neglecting them or they aren't attractive any more because they are letting themselves go. The same old (expletive deleted) about the magic being gone. So I practically throw myself at these guys and they all turn me down too, even the ugly ones. I can't even get (expletive deleted) by the (expletive deleted) janitor. And he's at least 6'5"."

Local Sherpa Finds Business Is Slow

Two months ago, Jangbu Salakha came to this country with a dream. His was a typical story. He left his native Nepal to start a new life here in the U.S. with nothing but the clothes and belongings of Travis Jungfeldt, an unsuccessful Everest climber, on his back. Mr. Jungfeldt may not have survived his fall into a crevasse on the South Face of Mt. Everest, but his misfortune has been Jangbu's chance to escape the back-breaking drudgery of porting the equipment of rich thrill seekers up and down the world's tallest mountain. Mr. Salakha claimed Jungfeldt's belongings from the Lost and Found when no one claimed them after two weeks. He was able to convince customs officials that the reason he looked nothing like his passport was due to frostbite, and sun and windburn. He then attempted to procure a bus ticket to Colorado to follow his dream of becoming the most famous Sherpa guide in America.

Unfortunately, the language barrier and brushes with law enforcement caused some foul-ups that led Mr. Salakha here to Craven and we're proud to accept him into our multi-cultural community. Mr. Salakha was able to amass a substantial some of money in cash advances using Mr. Jungfeldt's credit cards before they were cancelled, allowing him to open his business, I-Haul at 14 Hancock St. According to Mr. Salakha, he offers high quality portage for the lowest prices in town. This month, in conjunction with his observance of the festival of Gai Jatra, all backpacks are 30% off.

Jangbu has had virtually no customers to date. While he has helped some elderly women transfer groceries from their shopping carts to their cars, he has yet to be paid for his services. "One old woman gave me a mint. Since I hadn't eaten yet that day, I accepted it thankfully," recalls Mr. Salakha. He believes that the state of the economy and the complete and total lack of anything that could even be called a hill in the Bi-County area have put a crimp in his business. He still feels that things are going to turn around for him soon. "The Enron collapse is almost behind us now and the college kids will be needing portage when they come back to school. I look forward to carrying much wood veneer furniture and many boxes containing computers, clothes and bongs," says Mr. Salakha. He has maintained his great stamina and physique by repeatedly running up and down the twenty-one steps of the James F. Rolph Municipal Building. He had been climbing the five-story Peavy Office Tower, but a security guard told him that the law firm on the 4th floor was complaining about the noise of his running on the metal stairs and that he had to stop.

Despite this kind of discrimination, he still feels welcome in his new hometown. "Back in Nepal, I was just one of the crowd. Here, I feel almost like a celebrity. People here are very friendly. I think I could put down roots here permanently". But, now that his nest egg has been drained, he has begun to look into a part time job to supplement the less-than-meager income from I-Haul. He notes, "I have much experience raising yaks, but I have yet to find a yak ranch in this country let alone this city." After getting his fledgling business in the black, Jang's next priority is to find a woman or women to share his dream. "I'd like to find at least one woman to marry here. I would prefer that she was a Sherpa of my own caste, but I'd settle for almost any promiscuous American woman, as long as she has a good strong back. Ideally, I'm looking for one of each."

Good luck to you, Mr. Salakha.

Outbreak of Acne In Bi-County Area

During the third quarter of this year, local health authorities have reported 31 confirmed cases of acne-related blemishes including 63 pimples, 154 blackheads, and 2 cysts. During March and April 2007, acne breakouts increased 135% in comparison with the same time period in 2006. Craven’s acne incidence rate is the highest in the state. Health officials are at a loss to explain the numbers, calling them appalling and shocking.

David Fartwell, executive director of the Craven Municipal Health Office goes so far as to call the outbreak, “an epidemic”. “We are seeing skyrocketing pimple rates, especially in the teenage population. We are concerned that the vitcims will be ostracized by those of us that have good hygiene to the point of having to create an isolated colony to keep them from infecting us healthy-skinned people.” When questioned on the identity of the so-called Patient Zero, Fartwell responded, “We believe that the source of the outbreak is Jeremy Overton, a 16 year-old living smack dab in the center of the geographical area that we’re calling the Zit Zone. He’s got a faceful. Poor kid.”

At this point, it seems that the young are most susceptible. The Center for Disease Control, based in Atlanta, Georgia reports that environmental factors are primarily responsible for the spread of the disease. The CDC’s Acne expert, Bert Pankey, explains. “The disease appears to attack those with weak immune systems and poor hygiene habits. Pimples are a result of an infection that is probably passed by physical contact or by breathing near an infected person. It also might be carried by insects. I’m not really sure.”

Her Honor, Missy Tompkins, Craven’s newly elected first female mayor, has issued this statement. “There is no reason to deviate from your regular daily schedules. Just stay far away from the zitties. We’ll hunt them down and dispose, er… relocate, er… get them help.” Her Honor then asked her aide if teenagers could vote.

NBA Announces Games Shortened To Last 5 Minutes

Responding to criticism from fans and players, as well as sinking ratings, Commissioner David Stern announced today that, beginning with the 2008-2009 season, all NBA games will be shortened to the last 5 minutes. “With this innovative and revolutionary improvment, we can capitalize on the most exciting portion of the greatest game in the world showcasing the greatest athletes in the world.”

Stern then left the podium, arms raised, responding to non-existent applause. He then pounded his chest with his right hand and blew kisses to the reporters present at the press conference. Deputy Commissioner Russ Grannum stepped to the microphone to explain the details of the plan. “We’ve taken the game 50 years into the future. It’s groundbreaking, but there’s really not much different. The game will start with a randomly determined score 7 minutes into the fourth quarter. Both teams will trade possessions, trying to score points. And, and, you won’t believe this, the foul lane will now changed from wood to this springy stuff that will add about 8 inches to the player’s vertical leap. Oh, oh, and since we don’t actually shoot into baskets anymore, we’re going to be calling the game “Hoopball” and change the name of the league to the National Hoopball League.” At this point, Grannum raised his palms to the roof and shouted something like, “I gotta go get me some som’in som’in. Fo’ shizzy. Peace out.

Since reporters did not get the chance to ask questions, a release was handed out which had more details. It is estimated that the game itself will now only last 30 minutes, allowing the new NHL to compete with prime time network shows such as Friends and Will and Grace. This will also mean that fans will be treated to “nothing but non-stop excitement” for their entertainment dollar. The average ticket price for an NHL game is expected to hold steady at $50.10. The commissioner’s office expects to see a slight decline in attendance, but they believe that it will be offset by increasing the number of games broadcast by TNT, TBS, and NBC to 850.

The NBA Players Association Executive Director, Billy Hunter, was not in attendance, but he responded by fax, “The NBPA, to a man, is outraged. The current collective bargaining agreement, which expires in 2005, contains no such nonsense. However, if salaries don’t go down and they only have to play for half an hour, I believe I could convince the players to make a concessions in just this one case.”

Spokespeople for the various networks which currently have agreements to broadcast NBA games say they have no problem with the proposed changes. Charles Barkley has already decided to come out of retirement, and start his own team with other retired NBA players. “We don’t need an arena. We can just play on my indoor court and televise from there.” NBC’s Sheila Glasser had this to say, “We believe that Hoopball is just the beginning. We’re counting on baseball and football to follow the leader and trim their games down to the good stuff too. This will allow us to expand our coverage of golf to follow Tiger Woods around even when he’s not golfing.”

Divorced Man Chooses Sports Car Over Hair Weave

Fifty-three year old divorcee Chester Templeton has made up his mind. “I’m definitely going with the sports car. I’ve heard nothing but horror stories about weaves. It’s painful and takes forever. Sort of like my divorce. Buying the car will take no time and will only hurt my wallet.” Templeton, whose divorce became final on Thursday the 18th, has been agonizing over the decision for months and only decided to make the announcement after seeing what he calls “the light at the end of the tunnel”.

Mr. Templeton credits his lawyer, David E. Charmin, for making it possible, by keeping his wife, who he calls “the frigid, manipulative, man-hating succubus”, from getting her hands, which he calls “her icy harpy claws of death” on a good portion of his assets. “Dave was worth every penny. I usually can’t stand lawyers, but I’ve already recommended Dave to many of my friends,” gushes Templeton. “I’m finally free.”

Templeton says he isn’t sure about which sports car he will be buying, but money is no object. “I can afford pretty much anything. I’m leaning toward the BMW Z3 because it was rated “Best Chick Magnet” on the website, www.MiddleAgedMan.com. I know that having hair virtually guarantees you’re going to score when you’re out at a club, but I think the car is the way to go. I have a very low threshhold for pain too, and the words graft and plugs and harvesting and staples scare me.”

Mr. Templeton is also leaning toward an earring to celebrate his newfound freedom. He is looking forward to getting on with his life and repairing his relationships with his children. “I just hope that spending their childhood in the equivalent of a Russian gulag, ruled by a torturing, dehumanizing sadist won’t affect their own relationships or their mental health. Twenty years ago, if you’d asked me what I wanted out of life, it would be this, freedom and a sports car. And hair, but two out of three ain’t bad.”

Lost Soul Facing Extradition From Hell For Tax Evasion

U.S. authorities began proceedings Tuesday to extradite GrzJkhjlsck, the former Michael Gold, 37. He was indicted on charges of tax evasion and many other lesser charges related to his position as a stockbroker in a South Florida boiler room operating under the name of Ferris, Chancre, and Tick.

Mr. GrzJkhjlsck is currently residing in the fourth circle of upper Hell where he is employed pushing around great weights for all eternity. U.S. Attorney Raymond Culp said that, while living, Mr. Gold, along with several others, conspired to defraud investors out of millions using illegal stock manipulation practices. “Mr. Gold was murdered by a transvestite prostitute in March of 2002, but we intend to prosecute him and all his other co-conspirators to the fullest extent of the law.”

A spokesminion for Satan would not confirm whether Hell would comply with the request since the U.S. has no formal extradition agreement with Hell. Asmicodemeus the Devourer would only say, “We will review the case and make our decision in the next two weeks. Mr. GrzJkhjlsck has become a model citizen and we would not unwittingly deliver an innocent soul into the hands of a government which is well known for it’s cruel and inhumane punishments.”

Culp also said that a U.S. grand jury indicted GrzJkhjlsck on 13 other charges related to the conspiracy including bribery and extortion. If convicted of all charges, GrzJkhjlsck faces up to 174 years as Paris Hilton's best friend.

Ultimate Frisbee League Idea Kicked Around

At a hastily prepared press conference, Thomas Evason ’03 and Dean “Mako” Sharpe ’03, announced that they intend to start a professional Ultimate Frisbee league upon graduation. The press conference, held outside Slaimen Hall, was attended by many members of the Slaimen UFOs, the frontrunners in the Craven University Ultimate Frisbee League, as well as some of their girlfriends, and me.

Having just come from a win in their latest game against arch-rival Slytherin, Evason and Sharpe outlined their plans. “We’ve been talking about this since sophomore year,” said Evason. “It comes up after every game. We’re always like, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if there was a pro league’. So we finally decided to just do it. We did a lot of research around campus and there’s almost universal support for it. People are like, ‘Yeah, that would be cool’ and stuff. We’re sure we could hook up with other teams around the country or at least the Bi-county area.”

Sharpe added, “We’ll finish the fall season soon and then spend the winter designing our website and t-shirts for the spring. Next summer we’ll start calling other schools and we should be playing by September. Or at least that’s our plan. This game is awesome and we’re gonna show the world that an Ultimate player is just as good an athlete as a basketball or football player. We know it’s gonna take a year or two before we get on ESPN or something, but it’s gonna be huge!”

The crowd cheered loudly at this point, prompting onlookers to join the festivities. The press conference ended soon after when the beer was gone.

Local Procrastinator Dreams Up Get-Rich-Eventually Scheme

Area entrepreneur David Vettleman believes he has found the way to long term financial security. He claims to have devised a sure-fire plan that will bring him riches beyond his wildest dreams. “My plan can’t fail. I’m going to have so much money, I won’t know what do with it all.”

Currently, Mr. Vettleman has been employed full-time at Walmart East here in town since he graduated from high school in 1997. “I’ve come up with a lot of ideas over the years to make enough money to retire, but they usually require a lot of hard work and time. I’ve got so much on my plate now, that any kind of new difficult project would be pretty much impossible. I’ve got to finish restoring my car. Then I’ve got to fix that hole in the wall of my apartment before my landlord finds out. I’m also about two thirds of the way through Grand Theft Auto III.”

His parents are guardedly optimistic. “Dave’s always been a dreamer. He just might be onto something this time though,” suggests his mother, Rose. “He borrowed some tools last Thursday, so we might find out his secret any day now. “ His father had lower expectations. “We finally got him to move out 3 months ago. I’d be surprised if he ever got around to returning my hand sander, let alone make something anyone else would want to buy. We have no clue what he’s talking about. I wish he’d start looking for a girlfriend.”

David is close-lipped about the details. “If I tell you, then you’ll print it and then someone with more ambition or with time on their hands will steal it. Or the government will pass some kind of law against it or something, and I’ll end up with nothing.” When questioned about the legality of his plan, Vettleman stated, “No, this is strictly above board. I’m just waiting for the right time to release the information to the general public. Plus, I don’t know much about accounting or law or anything, and I may need some help with the marketing. It’s pretty complicated. You can’t rush these things.”

Vettleman was also vague on whether his plan involved manufacturing a product, or patenting an invention, or copyrighting an intellectual property. However, he was quick to point out that his fortune would not be coming from a lottery windfall or inheritence. “I’m going to show them. Soon. I’m going to show everyone. Just wait. You’ll see. These things take time.

Lesbians and Hetero Males Sign Treaty

At a formal press conference held in Northampton, Massachusetts at the conclusion of a week long summit of the group AMWATF, leaders for the lesbian and heterosexual male populations announced that they had reached terms for a formal alliance between their two groups should a Battle of the Sexes actually take place. The pact would call for equal share and control of the combined forces and assets of the estimated 54% of the country’s general population. The Alliance of Men and Women Attracted To Females claims to have over two million dues-paying members. Literature published by the group claims that they “speak for women lovers everywhere”.

Speaking for the heteros, National Organization for Men president, Larry McSwain, announced, “We felt that, should war break out, we’d like to have our Lesbian sisters at our backs when the bullets started flying.” Echoing his sentiments, Phyllis Drummond of the National Alliance of Lesbians That Like To Carry Weapons added, “It’s clear that if we hitch our wagon to those weak little man-lovers, we’re going to get the short end of the stick. We have to look out for ourselves.”

Their presentation included plans for a panel of experts to study the weaknesses of the enemy and devise a plan to quickly overcome the defenses of the women and homosexual men without unnecessary bloodshed. Trying to maintain a politically correct and non-confrontational tone, McSwain admitted, “We’ve determined that most gals and alternative lifestyle fellas don’t have advanced knowledge of modern warfare logistics and tactics. It would be a short battle.” Ms. Drummond agreed with McSwain. “Most of the non-lesbians that I know tend to be a little on the feminine side when it comes to combat. Not to mention the gay guys. That’s why we signed this agreement.” “We acknowledge that there are some kinks to be worked out, but we think we’ve hammered out the big issues and now it’s up to our strategists to flesh out the details”, said McSwain.

The press conference was interrupted briefly by what appeared to be a trans-gender individual protesting loudly, “What about us!? We can help!”. He/she was ushered out before the situation turned ugly.

The AMWATF Summit Conference was attended by some of the top minds that were not busy in other more important and productive endeavors in the heterosexual male and lesbian communities. Leaders of splinter groups under the AMWATF umbrella were in attendance at the press conference and also endorsed the plans. Spokespeople for Guys Who Go For Girls, Chicks Digging Chicks, The Man’s Man Caucus, Lesbians On Parade, Hooters Corporation, the Association of Black, White and Latino GFs, as well as many others, applauded the efforts of the co-chairpeople McSwain and Drummond. Tiny Flannell, of Formerly Married Women Turned Off By the Disgusting Habits of Their Ex-Husbands, said “Normally, I can’t stand to be in the same room with men, but that McSwain’s a real charmer. I couldn’t be happier with the alliance.”

Reaction from heterosexual women and homosexual men on the street was swift and universally negative. “I wasn’t aware that battle was imminent. My husband is completely cowed and spineless”, said housewife, Minnie Tappert. Todd Really, a dancer in the traveling homosexual burlesque troupe “The Girly-Burly Show”, was dumbfounded. “I’m dumbfounded”, said Really. Many women expressed disappointment at being betrayed by their lesbian sisters. Financial Consultant (and non-lesbian) Sharon Tennenbaum complained, “What’s scares me the most is they couldn’t come to us and talk about it first. They just had to run into the arms of the first man that promised to make them feel good. I’m not worried about this actually coming to war. If the hetero men every finish any project they start, it will be a miracle.”

Sociologists theorize that the so-called Battle of the Sexes has been going on for centuries. Dr. Sharon Engle of the University of Craven offered her insight. “The origins of the conflict go back to early man and woman. The traditional gender roles imposed by man using his greater strength and capacity for cruelty have been inured into the collective sub-conscious over the centuries. From time to time throughout history, repressed anger bubbles up and brings us to a crisis situation such as we are experiencing right now.”

One of her colleagues says history hangs in the balance. Dr. Jim, controversial host of the popular radio talk show “Man, Oh Man” , rants, “If I could get my hands on the guy who came up with that monogamy scam way back when, I’d break his bony neck. That’s the reason for all of this.” His face turning red and holding his index finger and thumb approximately one inch apart, Dr. Jim continued, “They’re this close! I swear! They’re this close! God bless the lesbians. Hey, I’m kinda worried about us going to war together though. What if our boys get distracted in the heat of battle, hoping that two of the lesbians might suddenly start making out?”